How many of you actually knew what the word sentient meant before reading that sentence?
Speaking of sentience, as you may have noticed, Valentine's Day is upon us!!! This may come as a surprise to you, seeing as I have never had a significant other during Valentine's Day, but this is one of my favorite days of the year. It, in my opinion (which is usually right), is one of the single most entertaining days of the calendar. And don't get me wrong, I'm not one of the lonely, self-loathing single people that think the world ends if you don't have a girlfriend, and will have the classic "Happy Single's Awareness Day" facebook status. I enjoy this day purely for it's comedic value on both sides. Here's how I have it broken down: There are only a few different categories for you to fall in, though each category varies in its specifics.
The first is the Perfect Couple. This is the girl that gets the boyfriend box seats at next years Superbowl, where she's paid off the league to have his two favorite teams playing, and the guy carves a love song into Mt Rushmore and has Justin Bieber and Celine Dion sing it while they have a five star dinner of her favorite food while the sun sets. For all intensive purposes, they do not exist in real life. However, they are an ever-present and all too common reality in the minds of normal couples. This Perfect Couple is what every boyfriend of girlfriend is comparing themselves and each other too, and it's the standard for the day.
The Normal Couple, group 2, is the average pair of humans. The guy has a random eureka moment of grandiose ideas around January 1st, which he promptly forgets to act on until February 11th, and then throws something together in the last fews days, and though it usually is a completely acceptable date, it pales in comparison to his former idea and that of Mr. Perfect. The girl....Well, I'm going to be honest here, I have no idea what goes on in the girls mind and I'm not going to try to act like I do. If I had to venture a guess, she would try to overcomplicate her idea of what he expects, and then realize (around the 11th) that what he wants is probably the simplest and most obvious thing, which he probably told her a week or two ago.
Thirdly, we have the Crash And Burn Couple, CAB Couple for short. Just a fair warning, stay as far away from this couple as you can possibly manage without fleeing the state, though in some situations that may be necessary. This is the couple who Valentine's Day experience each and every year is comparable to a nuclear bomb explosion. Think about it, you've probably heard about/been involved with one of these. Neither person lives up to the other's ideal date, and it all goes downhill from there. It starts early in the day to make sure it's a nice 12-24 hour fight. After they start running low on reasons to hate each other, they start roping in the innocent bystanders who are usually trying to enjoy their own date or hiding in their house because they know what's coming. Factor in the high expectations, raised anxiety levels from planning, and the fact that these two usually have the temper control of a drunk Lewis Black, and you get a rough equivalent of the Gulf Oil Spill if it had been alive and lit on fire.
Fourth, and personally my favorite, we come upon the Broken Couple. They are not necessarily "broken" per say, but I use that term because they are known to break up anywhere from two weeks prior to one day before Valentine's Day, and then get back together immediately after it ends. This is NOT to be confused with the variant of the CAB Couple who break up right before and still fight the whole day. The Broken Couple is usually apathetic about the day to begin with, cruises through the day with no problems whatsoever, and realizes after that they actually did like the other person, so hey, why not get back together? After all, they did just save a lot of money.
Now we get to the singles. The first category is the Wrist Cutters. The Wrist Cutters can come from two backgrounds. They either are the relationship-whore, dating-or-die kind that must always be dating and somehow got dropped right before this date, or they are the type that always say they want to date, but then when they do they hate it and it never lasts more than a week or so. Either way, The Wrist Cutters are known for their aforementioned facebook statuses of "Happy Single's Awareness Day!" or "Looks like tonight is shaping up to be Ramen and Chick-flicks." They're fun to watch in a pitiful kind of way.
The second group of singles is the Apathetics. These are the ones that come off as though they are too cool for holidays, especially this one. They basically disappear off the face of the planet during Valentine's Day. If found, their catchphrase is "Whatever." Do you feel left out? "It's whatever." What are you gonna do today while your friends are on dates? "Whatever I feel like." Etcetera, etcetera.
Fourth, and this is a small group, is the Clueless Singles. Bet you can't guess why they're called that. Yep. These are the few that have seemed to miss the thousands of advertisements and commercials and have absolutely no clue that it's Valentine's Day. Half of them don't even know that it's February. Most of the time these Clueless Singles are on or have at least experimented with drugs.
Lastly, there's my group. I don't really know what we're called, but we watch. That'll do, we're the Watchers. No real opinion, just vegging out.
Well, that's it for the Valentine's Day Special. Tune in next time for......other stuff.
Fact Of The Day: The Italian city of Verona, where Shakespeare's lovers Romeo and Juliet lived, receives about 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine's Day.
Bonus Fact: The majority of roses the US uses on Valentine's Day are imported from South America.
Shout out to Valentine Saints.
No comments:
Post a Comment