Alarm Clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

Have you seen those alarm clocks that run away from you when they go off?  I mean I guess that's a good in theory cause it really makes you get up to turn it off, but come on, really?  That's having a little too much faith in humanity, if you ask me.  I'm just saying that with how obnoxious alarms are in the first place, by the time I caught that thing, I'd probably turn it off with a baseball bat.  Granted I would be very awake, but I would also be starting off the day with a nice solid dose of rage and fury, and I can't believe that's healthy.  Also, I wouldn't have an alarm clock anymore.

You know how Superbowl commercials are considered the cream of the crop when it comes to advertisements?   Well whatever the polar opposite of "the cream of the crop" is, that's how I feel about the JG Wentworth commercials.  They seriously make me want to kill somebody.  "I have a structured settlement and I need cash now."  More like "I have a structured turret gun and need you gone."

Recently, and by recently I mean over the last decade, I've been having sleeping problems.  Normally I'd be a little overzealous and say that my sleep problems are based on world hatred and selfishness, but honestly I think it's just that my body hates me.  So to fix this I've tried everything from melatonin to voodoo.  Just recently I started taking Ambien at irregular intervals, and I've got to say, it's been heaven.  I fall asleep quickly and stay that way.  (Is it just me or do I sound like the commercial?)  Anyway, by far my favorite part is the complete and utter delirium that come right before the sleep.  It feels like everything is happily off balance, everything tickles, and it's kind of like I'm swinging in a hammock.  However, it's not til I actually fall asleep that it really gets interesting.  I won't go into to much detail, but the most recent dream I had put me in the middle of a Pokemon battle with an insane Paul Rudd and Pikachu vs me and a monkey named Bono in pool section of some apartment complex.  Yea, you try waking up from that and not doubting your sanity.

I think the next time someone says, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," I'm going to through a dictionary at them.

I'm going to break this down into two very easy points so everybody can understand it.  (this mainly goes out to the numerous people who have told me money isn't important over the years.)

Number 1:  Whoever said "Money can't buy happiness" has never been poor.

And number 2:  You can't buy happiness, but you can buy bacon, which is about the same thing.

Fact of the Day:  In the early days of the telephone, operators would pick up a call and use the phrase, "Well, are you there?". It wasn't until 1895 that someone suggested answering the phone with the phrase "number please?"

Shout out to Austin Greer.