This is the realization I had while preparing for the so-called "real world". No, not the MTV show you ignorant son of a [CENSORED].
While we're on the subject of preparation.....well let's just keep talking about it. There are many things in life worth preparing for. Sports games (so you don't pull a hammy), jobs (so you don't look like Andy Dick), Zaxby's (so your head doesn't explode from the awesomeness), and the list goes on and on. I do each everyday to keep a sharp mind and a sharper physique. One more thing I try to do as much as possible is stay at Holiday Inns. In fact, I only stay at the Holiday Inn when it comes to choosing a hotel. Why? It's not the quality of the food, or the mediocre service, I'll tell you that much. One day, though I don't know when, will ask me a question and I will respond with a booming "No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night." I will maintain my composure until that person leaves, then I will immediately hug the nearest living creature, high five the next two or three, and continue on with my now complete life.
Readers, I've discovered another danger to the earth. Ready for it? Cows. The five-stomached beings are nothing more than interestingly decorated earth killers. They take up room, eat our grass, and fart methane gas. Really? Our lawns aren't enough? You need to take our atmosphere with you too? I'd say that's a little overzealous. I would say that we should kill every single one of the little bastards, but it was pointed out to me that if we took such action, burgers would cease to exist, a situation so horrible I cannot imagine. Plus, if burgers were gone, what would I put my bacon on? Wait. Halt. I revoke that previous inquiry. Silly question, bacon goes on anything.
Speaking of burgers, let's talk about something similar: "burgers"? Confused? Don't be. I'm talking about McDonald's "burgers", not real burgers. Right now you're asking yourself, "But aren't they the same thing?" I'll give you a second to recognize your stupidity and hit yourself in the face with something hard. Have you learned your lesson? Good. I'm sure we've all made the mistake of eating McDonald's "food" and I don't hold that against you. We're just mortals, and every now and then we succumb to the devil's trickery. Why the unjustified hate? Why the stupid questions? In an experiment done in the US (so you know it's done right), a Happy Meal (ironically named) was purchased, set out for a year. Normally this would develop into a moldy green lump of something-or-other that smells like a combination of armpits, jalapenos, and a used urinal cake. However, the Happy Meal look virtually undisturbed. Pristine even. Let's all say it together now....OH MY LORD THAT'S F*#&KING DISGUSTING!! Yes, my dear citizens it is. Go now, and be enlightened.
REMIX: After writing that previous bit I let an ex-friend read the blog before I posted it. The idiot brazenly stated that there was no proof the experiment was legitimate, and said that McDonald's does rot. In all fairness, I admit McDonald's food does indeed rot. About fifteen minutes before they serve it to you. If you're reading this, you self righteous little twerp, I hope you choke on a Big Mac and drown in the special sauce.
You know what sucks? Seizures. Sure, there are some great puns to be made, including, but not limited to, Seizure Chavez Day, Seizing the day, etc) but I hate them. Fortunately I've never had one, but I know someone who has, and I'm not okay with that. I realize this is incredibly bold/stupid, but I don't care. God, when you invented seizures, you really messed up*. I like my friends how they are, alive, breathing, and without brain damage.
*I fully expect to be struck by lightening within the next seven minutes.
Did you know that the fly's reactions are actually 20 times faster than a human's?*
*Not actually true. I just hate that I can never catch them.
Shout out to Mary Melissa Yohn.
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