Marraige: Betting someone half your shit that you will love them forever.

I've always been a gambling man, but that just seems sketchy.

I was recently made aware that The Daily Tablet has been officially submitted to Stumble Upon.  If we were at a restaurant or bar, this is the point where I would buy a round of drinks in celebration.  Seeing as we're not though, you'll have to settle for a mental high five.  Congratulations to me.

Now as you may or may not know, I'm not big on awards shows.  To be completely honest, I don't even know the difference between the Grammies, the Oscars, and whatever the other big one is.  I'm pretty sure the only actual difference is the shape of the statue/award.  Admittedly I will watch the ESPYS, but that more because it's only about sports and is hosted by comedians.  That being said, I was off in imaginary world and found myself hosting my own awards show for people that have been breaking ground over my life span.  Here's who got the awards and why:

Jeff Foxworthy, for being the first comedian ever to actually be funny using only clean humor.

Chuck Norris, for being Chuck Norris.

Steve Jobs, for taking over the world and then retiring instead of become a planetary dictator.

John Madden, for proving that you can actually be successful/famous with a serious mental disability.

Steve-O, for still being alive.

And Jeff Dunham, for showing that being a ventriloquist can result in something other than getting your ass kicked.

I realize that I'm not the most fashion savy male out there, in fact I'm not even close.  I'm actually pretty okay with it too, because I'm convinced that the group that's coming up with the new styles is a combination of three drunk homeless people, Lady Gaga, and this guy.  Anyway, what brought on this assesment isn't even the incredibly ridiculous clothes I see people wearing around in Atlanta.  It's actually something that people really don't even noticed anymore, because while it hasn't become normal, it has least become accepted.  My only three questions are these:  (1) Who came up with leaving the 5 inch tags on the outside of hats while wearing them?  (2) When did this become okay?  (3) When will it become legal to kill these people?  As I said before, I accept that I am probably not up to date with whatever's "in" nowadays, but I'm pretty sure that's not it.  I may not know what looks fashionable, but I damn well know what's stupid, and that, my friends, is way past stupid.  I didn't say anything when people bought those pro baseball hats and left the sticker under the bill, and I mostly stayed quiet cause I figured that fad would go away or the people doing it would choke on something and die, but this is getting out of hand.  I watched someone in the mall the other day get hit in the eye with his own tag three times, and he still did't get the hint.  I want to stab that man.

As many of you know, I enjoy Zaxby's.  For those of you leading deprived lives, Zaxby's is a restaurant, nay, a Heaven sent eatery that has blessed this earth with it's own style of chickeny goodness, and is all around a safe haven for taste buds of all races and age groups.  After eating there, I frequently find myself fighting back tears of pure joy as I cap off the last bite of Texas Toast dipped in Zax sauce.  Anyway, I'm telling you this firstly because I want to change your life, and secondly because last week I ws informed that the library on campus has a Zaxby's inside of it.  I literally screamed when I found out.  I struggled through the rest of class bouncing in my chair like a kid who can't open christmas presents til everyone has finished breakfast.  The speed at which I left that classroom and traveled to the library was nothing short of phenomenal.  At one point I'm pretty sure I knocked over a handicapped person, but he was in a wheelchair and therefore didn't fall very far so it's okay.  Long story short, it took me roughly nineteen seconds to get to the library from across campus, I blasted through the security gate, hauled across the study room, hurtled down the stairs, and then died.  Well I didn't actually die, but a part of my soul did and I nearly started crying.  Why?  Saxby's.  SAXBY'S.  Saxby's Coffee is why.  It was the let down of the century.

I've picked up a new hobby.  Maybe it spawned from me being single and slightly bitter, or maybe it came around because I have a natural tendency to make others uncomfortable.  Either way it's fun.  And simple.  Basically I go to a grocery store, bookstore, or anywhere that is a populated public area, and simply wear something slightly out of the ordinary.  Now to clarify I'm talking about something only slightly weird.  For example long colorful socks with sandals.  (I live in the South, so that's weird here.  I'm talking to you JM.)  The whole point is to go to these areas, like the store, and just count how many girls lean over to their boyfriends and whisper something along the lines of "Promise me you'll never wear something like that."  Here are a couple things to keep in mind:  One, the reactions aren't life altering, it's just a fun little thing to mess with people while you're places you already needed to be, such as getting groceries.  Also, the whole point of the game is lost if you wear something completely out of control.  For instance, it doesn't count if you go into a bookstore naked from the waste down with the top half of your body looking like a terrifyingly mangled version of Winnie the Pooh on meth.  Instead of getting smirks and judgement, you'll scar little children and get arrested.  That's not fun for anyone.  However if that does happen, I look forward to seeing it on the news.

Fact of the Day: In the United States, a pound of potato chips costs two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.

Shout out to Minoru Kato.

“Mixed Nuts” just means that I have obstacles between me and my cashews.

Everybody loves a good cashew.  If you don't, you are clearly a communist.

I recently found out something very exciting about my biology class.  Our teacher is a very interesting man.  (That's not the exciting part.)  He comes off completely normal, and in all honesty is a pretty cool guy, but hidden beneath that pleasant exterior is a core of bold pessimism.  In the first day of class alone he proved how both Spiderman and 95% of the fashion product world is complete bullshit.  I won't bore you with the details.  (Mostly because I didn't really process anything he said because I was busy thinking about how I could turn in to a blog.)  Anyway, his teaching methods are unique as well.  He heavily relies on group projects and group learning, so on the first day he let us choose groups and group names.  (We're the Biologizers.)  Just after we finished what I like to call the Biolodraft, I thought to myself, "What if my group turns out horrible and the people suck?"  But not to worry!  He proceeded to tell us that if we had a rotten egg in our group, we should take it to an outside trashcan and throw it away, as it might make us nauseous.  Also, if we had a troublesome group member, we could vote them out of the group. I want to make sure you got that, so here it is again in bold:  We can vote to kick people out of our group.  Oh yeah.  Survivor Fall 2011: Biology Class.  So as I'm trying to stifle my preemptive power trip,  I immediately begin sizing up my group to decide who to make alliances with.  Then he goes on to say that not only can we kick someone out of the group, we can kick them out of the class.  Not permanently, of course, but for the day.  Still, that's giving us some power.  I have literally been praying for someone to be a dick so we can kick them out.  And the best part is that we vote with the remote clickers, so it's anonymous!!  The only negative side is that I'm having a very hard time focusing on the material because I'm so obsessed with the idea of expelling a classmate.  I think I'm just going to frame someone.

I think S might be the the most important letter in the alphabet.  I came to this conclusion whilst making pasta for dinner, and I said to myself out loud, "I need more pot."  Of course I meant to say "I need more pots", but that's not how it came out, and if that had been in a different scenario, say a police department cookoff, I could have had some serious explaining to do.

I think my least favorite thing about parking garages is driving down them.  Especially if it's driving down more than two levels.  It's kind of like a slide, but instead of fun, smooth, brightly colored plastic, it's rough grey concrete with obstacles on every side and cars speeding towards you around blind curves.  Actually, besides the dizzy factor, slides and parking garages are nothing alike.  I don't even know why you thought that in the first place.

I know I've been ranting a lot about music lately (I really haven't though), but I've got one more for you. I've decided that we have got to start getting a little more creative with our lyrics.  And I'm not counting rap, cause that wouldn't even be fair.  Specifically, I'm talking about slow emotional-ish songs.  I've also decided that if I hear another song with lyrics even remotely similar to: "Some people laugh, some people cry/ Some people live, some people die" I'm going to track down the writer and personally maim him/her.  Seriously though, you can use lie, buy, deep fry, anything but those lyrics.  The only thing I haven't decided is whether I'm going to use an aluminum or wooden bat to beat the crap out of them.

I realize this has been discovered by nearly every human in the nation, but in my opinion, the serving sizes for food on the sides of the packages are only applicable for anorexic midgets.  Thirteen Cheezits?  Yea right.

Going down the stairs with limp arms is much more fun.  Try it next time.  You won't be disappointed.

I am starting to doubt the legitimacy of certain sayings in the English language.  The first one brought to my attention is this:  When a male is being skittish or girly, other males with usually say something along the lines of "Come on man, grow a pair!"  (A pair as in male genitalia, not pear like the fruit.  That would be ridiculous, confusing, and generally unhelpful.)  As pointed out by a comedian, this makes no sense at all.  "A Pair" is the most sensitive part of the male body, thus growing another pair would make you far more vulnerable.  Along these lines, after kicking a curb (by accident), I broke off two toenails and was bleeding.  I asked for a bandaid when we got to the apartment, and I was told to "Rub some dirt on it."  I didn't, obviously, as I'm not a huge fan of gangrene or hospitals.  Yes, I understand the meaning of the saying, which is to suck it up and stop whining because you'll be fine, but I do have to question the origin of the phrase.  We all know that when you get an open wound, the first thing you're supposed to do is clean and bandage it so it doesn't get infected.  How then did someone come up with the advice to "rub some dirt on it"?  That seems amazingly contradictory and downright stupid.  Even decades ago when the medical practice was questionable at best, I have a hard time believing people thought it was anything remotely close to a good idea to rub the wound with dirt.   It just seems ridiculous.  

Fact of the Day:  "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo"  is the longest grammatically valid sentence in the English language that only uses one word.

Shout out to Pat Murray.

Butter is slippery, that's why you should eat as much as possible to lubricate your arteries and veins.

Speaking of which, the other day I was looking at the stats for this blog and came upon the page where it tells me the referral sites.  (Like what websites are sending people to this blog, for example: google, facebook, twitter, etc.)  Long story short, there was a website that's sent 11 people in the last week to The Daily Tablet, and I'd never seen/heard of it so I clicked the link to see what it was.  It was a diet website.  A DIET WEBSITE.  What the hell?!?  How is that even legal.  First off, look at the title of this post.  Seriously??  Secondly, I make it a point to reference bacon at least once per blog.  Third, I hate PETA.  I'm not really sure what that has to do with dieting, but I hate them nonetheless.  Fourth, my overall opinion of dieting is that it sucks.  Unless of course there's some diet out there that I've been missing that promotes shameless carboloading, protein-ingesting, grease-inhaling, and a general stance of gluttony.  And I'm pretty sure there's not, which is why dieting is stupid.  Anyway, I just found that slightly ironic.  I honestly don't know how comfortable I am with being advertised on that kind of site.

Is Tobey Maguire dead yet?

When it really comes down to it, I absolutely hate the Smurfs.  They have got to be the most self-entitled little bastards in the entire cartoon world.  Honestly think about it.  Name one other race, creature, whatever, decides they are going to completely replaces entire parts of the english language with their own damn name.  How is that acceptable??  And there's no pattern to it at all.  I hate it.  That's like me having a normal conversation and just throwing in a "Tab" every now and then.  Let's see how that would play out....

Friend: "Hey man, how's it going?"

Tab: "Pretty well, you?"

Friend: "I'm decent, just finished a psych test, so that's an up side.  How was your weekend?"

Tab: "It was completely Tab.  Like off the Tabbin' chain.  We went out downtown and when we got home we order 17 and a half pizzas and totally Tabbed all of them."

[This is the point where there is an awkward silence as Friend stares and thinks, "Did he just use his own name as an adjective and other parts of speech that I'm not particularly familiar with?  Maybe I misheard....No, I'm pretty sure he did.  This guy is a freak.  Man this is a long silence.  How can I get out of this increasingly awkward situation?  Can I just turn and run?  He's clearly insane, and probably has some kind of weapon with him.  Oh god, there's no way out.  I can't live trapped in a basement for the rest of my life!  *starts hysterically crying*]

So there you have it.  In short, Smurfs lead to insanity, and all because they can't seem to find the decency to learn the rest of the language.  You make me sick you arrogant, vertically challenged, off-color, deformed mutants.  Smurf you.  

My new hobby is now going to be sitting fully dressed in running gear in a sauna for about ten minutes, then jumping into a marathon for the last mile.  It's all of the fulfillment and congratulations without the majority of the work.  Plus you look like a badass when you cross the finish line at eight times the speed of anyone else.

Speaking of colored things that bug me......STOP THAT.  STOP BEING RACIST.  I know exactly what you were just thinking!  You are a horrible person.  I was talking about bananas you mentally deranged racist.  Anyway, back to what I was saying, I am getting increasingly frustrated with bananas as of recently.  As we all know, a green banana means it's not ripe, a yellow banana means banana pudding is in the near future, and according to Mitch Hedberg, a red banana means "Where the fuck did you get that banana?!"  My issue does not lie in the banana color scheme though.  Rather, it's in the time frame in which the color wheel spins.  I feel like when I buy a pack......a bushel?.....a herd?.....Okay, I googled it, and apparently a group of bananas is called a "bunch", but just to clarify, my "bunch" only consisted of a few.  Regardless, when I buy a bunch of bananas I usually get the ones that are greenish so I don't have to eat them immediately.  What gets me though, is that it seems like the bananas stay green for three weeks, are ripe for approximately 12-14 hours, and then immediately spoil.  What the hell bananas?!  Would you rather go to waste than let me indulge in a healthy smoothie or a peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwich?  Have I wronged you in some way?  I just don't understand.

Fact of the Day:  Dairy Cows produce more milk when listening to music.

Shout out to Courtney Gilreath.