As some of you know, I hate birds. This might be confusing because if I were to be any animal, it would probably be some sort of bird, but since I'm not, I hate them. Anyway, here's a list of the main few birds that I don't trust, starting with the absolute worst:
- Pigeons: Pigeons might actually be my least favorite animal on this or any planet. Dirty little grey sheisty pieces of sketch. I don't like anything that constantly has an opportunity to poop on me. With their beady little eyes, creepy freaking heads, and a color scheme than not even a mother could love, every pigeon on earth could drop dead and I would do at least one heel-kick. And I've had older people tell me they're actually nice creatures and it's fun to feed them, but if I'm going to be honest, you're 90 years old and smell like the Boston Market, I don't care what you think.
- Peacocks (or "Rave Turkeys" as I like to call them): In my opinion, peacocks look like a turkey and an ostrich got together, did a bunch of hallucinogenic drugs, and had to draw what they thought their lovechild would look like. Seriously though, what is your purpose (besides giving Katy Perry a way to sing about penises, that is)? Where do you live naturally? What do you eat? WHO SENT YOU???
- Flamingos: I've written a good bit about why I hate flamingos, mostly relating to their overall pretentiousness and odd sense of balance, which you can read more about here.
- Parrots: Can you imagine being the first person to hear one of these things talk? Eff that. Oh you think that'd be cool? You're wrong. So wrong. Not to mention they sound like a combination of Gilbert Gottfried and Wallace Shawn. So imagine having what could be the two most annoying roommates possible, then having to feed and water them whilst they mock everything you say and shit in your living room, laughing at you the whole time because you can't fly. Nope. Polly want a cyanide-laced cracker?
- Crows/Ravens: Really? Do I even need to explain this one? Possibly the single most referenced creatures for representing evil in literature EVER. If you have a pet raven or crow and aren’t already committed to a mental asylum, you’d better be an evil mastermind, a creepy forest-dweller in a science fiction novel, or the owner of an world famous aviary. I still don't understand why people were freaking out when they were dying in mass quantities. Seems like cause for celebration to me...
I realize that made me sound like a very angry person. I don't hate all animals though, only the shitty ones, more of which are outlined here and here. I'm actually a very loving man with simple life goals: travel a lot, be successful, never get maced, etc. Unfortunately there are a few animals/people that, in the words of the late Peter Griffin, "really grind my gears." Like for instance people that take up the whole grocery aisle when walking. I'm just trying to get to the Doritos dammit, LET ME BY. Those, in particular really get me fired up. I try to be nice and let a small "Excuse me sir/ma'am" without getting too heated, but there's still a part of me that hopes they fall down with their hands in their pockets. Or people that stand with their face three inches from the elevator door when waiting to get on, then act shocked to find out there's already somebody in there that needs to get off first, even though this happens almost every time. Also, anybody that struggles with an escalator. It's 2014, get your shit together.
I do openly admit that I'm not perfect myself*, and I'm sure there are one or two people that I've managed to annoy. (Not including the entire organization of PETA, who have finally succeeded in blocking me on Twitter. Go Meat!) Some of my favorite scenarios are those that start off with anger but end in karma-based humor. For a completely-fictitious-and-in-no-way-directly-pulled-from-my-personal-experiences-in-Phoenix example, when your roommate comes home very drunk and after having what sounds like a bar fight with kitchen appliances, stumbles into your room and apologizes for eating your cookies, and in the morning you realize that you didn't actually have any cookies, but the dog treat bowl is suspiciously lower in quantity than the previous day.
*Just kidding, I’m perfect.
Sorry for how negative this one was, the next Tablet will be positive and uplifting, I promise.
Fact of the Day: The Guinness Book of Records was originally published by Guinness Breweries as a reference for settling bar arguments.
Shout out to Stephanie Walek.
