Let's start off with something nice. You know those people that stand on the corners with the sign up boards, trying to convince you to join their group? Those people are so nice I want to beat them with a crowbar. Of course by "nice" I mean "ridiculously obnoxious." Let's be honest, it is for a good cause, but you're not gonna save the world by pestering complete strangers who are just trying to go about their day. I'm all for saving the Earth, but when I'm already five minutes late to a Calculus test I don't need you to go into linebacker mode to stop and berate me with some reason to make a small donation of $462 a day to your "Save the Ferns" Movement. Honestly, the only reason I put up with plants is because they're quiet, and you people are successfully ruining that. It's like those damn animal shelter commercials. I love pets. All of them*. But I want to see happy little cats and dog. You're not gonna make me up and buy an animal by showing me the most depressing 10 minute commercial ever aired on television consisting of horribly beaten and dejected animals with a soundtrack that makes me want to jump off a bridge. Show me those same animals playing in a park and being awesome while Crazy Train is playing in the background and I'll be down there before the commercial's over. Nobody wants a pet that's gonna make you feel like you're a horrible human being. Now back to those corner people. (Not prostitutes, dammit, get your mind out of the gutter.) For now I'm content with donning sunglasses and headphones and acting like I'm dead to the world as I walk past them, but they're getting bolder, and I don't like it. I wouldn't be surprised to find them with Nerf guns and Super Soakers in the near future, abusing those who don't stop for the cause. Stop badgering me dammit! I'm just trying to be a good student. Sometimes they'll even mutter mean things if you just walk by. "So much for decent people in this city, huh?" Oh fuck off you pretentious douche. I hope you step on a Lego.
*When I say I love all pets, I of course mean all pets except for dogs that are small enough to fit in a microwave. For more on my opinion of small "dogs," click here and read the second paragraph.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to reveal to you my newest model of life: The game of Golf. Well, not life so much, but family. Family is basically a game of golf, which between you, me, and anyone who's ever seen me play, is proof that I will be single all my life. So here goes:
-Marriage is the reservation or "Tee Time." The reason behind all of it and the commitment.
-The first child, the oldest, is the initial drive. Your first go at really playing the game.
-The second child is the Mulligan; a chance to try again at what you initially butchered and fine-tune the mistakes.
-The third child is a shot the fairway. You've basically got it down and now you're really into it.
-The fourth kid is the putt. 95% of the time it's very easy and very spoiled, sometimes it doesn't follow the rules but you just call it "close enough".
-Any more kids past that and your probably just drunk on the driving range with no clue what you're doing.
-The Club Bar at the end is the retirement home, because you're so physically and mentally exhausted that you can't even change out of your attire so you go through the rest of life wearing a single golf shoe and a golf glove. The up side is nobody questions you cause there's a broken club beside you and you smell drunk.
I really really need to travel some place. Like an out-of-the-country place. I'm starting to feel worthless, contained, and very uncultured. A ton of my friends are/have been out of the country for study abroad sessions in Italy, Costa Rica, Spain, Germany, etc, and now I've even got two friends playing soccer in Norway and Sweden, or as I like to call it: IKEA. All I'm saying is I need somebody to go with or I'm going to get lost in the streets of Latvia with absolutely zero bilingual abilities or geographical knowledge. Who's in?
Today I went to grocery store very hungry. Now everybody knows that’s a bad idea because when you go to the grocery store hungry you tend to severely overbuy. Like preparing-for-the-nuclear-holocaust-overbuying. "Yea, it's practical to buy 7 gallons of milk, I’ll definitely finish those before the expiration date. Oooh those bran and dog shit muffins sure sound tasty!" Then you get home, have a snack and realize you don't want 90% of what you just purchased. If it hasn't happened to you yet, then you have more willpower than anyone I've ever met. Also, this is an open invitation to anyone who wants one of the 19 artichokes that I just bought. They're taking up space and I don't even know how to cook them.* Anyway, what makes this trip interesting is how I personally respond to hunger. (Hint: Like a four year old.) When normal people get hungry, their stomachs growl, they get food, end of story. When I get hungry, the world stars ending. I turn into a rage machine with no value for anyone’s life. That being said, you who follow me on Twitter generally know how the trip went. In my mind, everybody was personally trying to annoy the shit out of me. Whether it was the couple walking excruciatingly slow down the aisle in front of me, or the Nazi trying to force-feed me samples of tofu, everyone was out to get me. I think the worst part was while I was in line and there were two college-aged girls in front of me, one of which apparently had less-than-ideal cellular service. This is what got me, and these were her exact words: "Oh my GOSH. I hate this stupid phone!! I should have gotten the new iPhone instead of this stupid Droid. If I lived in Africa I would die so fast with out a working cell phone." ARE YOU KIDDING ME KALNFAIOEBFADLIBNFAOSBVXCVWB???!?? Okay, keep breathing. Count to ten. Come ON woman! Your ruining life for me. And let’s be honest, you wouldn't die because you didn't have a phone, you'd die because of a lack of survival training and a surplus of lions. Also probably because you have an amazingly obnoxious voice that would probably convince the locals you were a demon.
*I'm not an idiot, I do actually know how to cook an artichoke.
Fact of the Day: 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney movies where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie.
Slightly Less Depressing fact of the Day: When ants wake, they stretch & yawn in a human manner before taking up the tasks of the day.
Shout out to Matt Mullarkey.
