Biological parents, that is. None of this "adopted parents" nonsense. Besides, everyone knows adoptions are illegal. Wait, that's true isn't it?
The other day I was in the midst of a text conversation with a friend about flamingos. We came to a decisive conclusion on them, and here it is: Fuck flamingos. Honestly, what purpose do they serve? Beside the fake plastic lawn decorating ones, which we all know are about as cool as pleated jeans. We established that they live in Florida, yes every single one of them, which instantly makes them suck, and the only value I can imagine them having is being used as croquet mallets in Alice in Wonderland. As far as I'm concerned, flamingos could disappear from the world and I wouldn't even notice, and if they did I'd probably be happy. Actually, the same goes for everything in Florida. Better yet, let's just send them all to Detroit. I'm pretty sure randomly firing automatic weapons in public isn't even illegal there anymore.
"Nearly everything you read online is a lie." -Abraham Lincoln
I love infomercials. They are great. Where else can you burn time watching a group of people fill an entire hour trying to make a bender interesting? Nowhere. The only problem I have is with the people used in the infomercials. Not even the ones giving the sales pitch, just the people that are using the other rival product. I don't where they find these people, but they are single handedly the most stupid and incapable human beings I've ever seen in my life. Before watching these people do what they do, I didn't even know it was possible to make a plastic grocery bag look complicated. They are so skilled in being complete idiots that my IQ goes down just from watching them. For instance, I was watching one today for a product geared towards litter boxes (it was riveting), and the girl in the clip looked absolutely bewildered at the concept of scooping litter into a plastic bag. When she tried to scoop, it was like the her world started crumbling. The grocery bag's instructions must have been in Greek, and the scoop must've been a manual, not automatic, because she was straight clueless. There had to have been an earthquake going on while she was scooping too, because she spilled more litter than a blind drunk with one arm and no fingers.
I love music. Everybody loves music. And don't say, "No, not everybody loves music. What about deaf people?" Sitting there all smug like you beat the system. Fuck you. What about Beethoven? He was deaf and he loved music. Hell, he wrote music. Suck it. Okay let's pause for a second. I don't mean to be so hostile, but here's why I am. I recently got a new phone, and have yet to put my music on it, so when I'm driving (which I do a lot), I have been forced to listen to the radio. I know, poor me right? Right. It's awful. Usually I enjoy a nice perusal of the radio playlists every now and then, but this time it's becoming unbearable. Radio stations have always been notorious for their extremely limited selection of music, and without fail you end up hearing the same song 5 times in an hour just because it's topped the pop charts. Recently, and by "recently" I mean for the last two and a half months, Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" has been in the top whatever of the music popularity charts. Good for her. I'm happy for her, really. But I swear on everything that's holy, if I hear "There's a fire, burning in my heart..." start on the radio one more time, I am going to track her down and actually set her on fire. This can all be prevented if the radio stations would select more than 4 freaking songs to play on repeat, or just stop playing her song. I'm sure she's made all the money she's going to make from it, and goddammit I'm going to have a stroke if I have to listen to it one more time. Honestly, I rather listen to the fucking Wiggles for the rest of my life than waste another three minutes and forty eight seconds on that God-forsaken song.
Now that the rant is over with, let's talk about something fun. How about sunburns? Not like when you get sunburned, cause that sucks, I mean when you see someone who is roughly the shade of a Red Delicious apple. Now I'm not usually one to delight in the suffering of others (*completely false), but yesterday....it was glorious. The top three worst sunburns I've ever had in my entire life could combine and they would still pale in comparison to the sunburn on a man I saw yesterday. Pun intended. This man was so red it hurt to look at him, but I couldn't look away. He was clearly in excruciating pain, and I only wish I could have videotaped him trying to walk. The best way I can describe it is to picture someone walking while holding a fishbowl between their knees, both their arms straight out like they're halfway through a jumping jack, puffing their chest out, and grimacing like they're trying to scare a small child while also being constipated. Ignoring the fact that this man will probably get skin cancer in about three days, it was a hilarious sight and brightened my day substantially.
This will probably be the last blog for a week or two because I'll be traveling. Unless of course something completely ridiculous happens, then you'll be the first to know. Have a nice end-of-summer. Follow the blog and like the Facebook page.
Also, in case you haven't noticed, I'm really embracing the use of links. They aren't spam, like on a lot of sites. In my case, it's usually a link to a picture or something relative to the story, so click away.
Fact of the Day: At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
States of the Day: Excitement and California.
Shout out to Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell Etheridge.
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