Kidnapping? I prefer to think of it as "surprise adoption".

Unfortunately that makes it no less illegal.

I'm going to call this my Twitter Blog because all of the following sections are very short thoughts (some are mine, some I stole, get over it).  Also, each of these will have no more than 140 characters.  Enjoy.

I wish you could google anything. Like "Where's my wallet?" How sick would that be? I mean, besides the overall creepiness of the situation.  Google is now IN your home.

In need of a cheap laugh?  Say "I won a math debate" as fast as you can.  Your welcome.  I hope you didn't do that it a public place.

I can't wait for the time machine to be invented.  Not so I can go back and spend more time with people or change anything.  I want it purely so we can toss out those stupid little girly poster quotes about never getting the moment back.

I feel like Animal from the Muppets is Elmo's long lost, crackhead father.

I feel like every time a sexy woman jumps out of a cake there is at least one guy who's sad about the cake being ruined.

Two days ago I saw a "Git-R-Done" bumper sticker on a Prius.  I don't even know what's real anymore.

I want to know what person made Home Depot start putting the "For Display Only" signs on the toilets.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word "dude"?

I feel like gun salesmen and prostitutes are the only people who should be allowed to use the phrase "more bang for your buck".

Whoever decided a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun-sized" really needs to re-evaluate their standards of entertainment.

On my tombstone I want it to say one of two things:  "I told you I was sick."  OR "Died from not forwarding the email to at least ten people."

I want to invent an alcohol and call it Responsibly.  That way I'd get free advertisement whenever some other alcohol company said "Please drink Responsibly" at the end of their commercials.

I used to be a hipster.  But that was before it became popular.

"Life is like a box of chocolates" has an entirely different meaning to diabetics.

Okay I lied, one of those paragraphs was a little more than 140 characters, but guess what?  I make the rules.  Not you.  Not Twitter.  Me.  And as far as I'm concerned 254 characters is close enough.

Shout out to Britney Bergeron.