Women don't want to hear what you think, they want to hear what they think, just in a deeper voice.

It's always nice to start off with a big healthy does of something offensive and stereotypical.  Moving on.

I might go skydiving on Sunday.  I'm pretty pumped about that.  I bet blind people don't go skydiving because it would scare the shit out of their dog.

Last weekend I went home to help paint my sister's bathroom.  (Don't worry, it gets slightly more interesting.)  So there I am, dutifully painting the walls and chatting with the madre, and somehow we came to a point in the conversation where we were talking about old people being ready to go.  You know, like reading to GO go.  I'm talking about dying people.  I promise it wasn't as morbid as it sounds.  So the conversation is cruising along until my mom says, "And you know I had that dying thing when I was 18..."  SCREECH.  Hold the freaking phone.  You what?!?!  "That dying thing?!"  What the hell mom.  You don't "just have that dying thing".  Last I checked, that's not how this whole deal works.  Naturally I assumed she meant something different.  I was wrong.  My mom died when she was eighteen.  The whole white light shebang and everything.  (Side Note: There is a whole fluffy, touchy-feely side to this story, but The Daily Tablet doesn't do that.  If you want that part, talk to me some other time.)  Back to death.  Basically the long and short of it is my mom beat death.  Now there are a lot of explanations for this, but I think we all know what's really going on.  My mom is a superhero.  In my mind, I'm picturing Death (who looks like Hulk Hogan but a little less douchey and dressed in all black) walking into the hospital room all buffed up and cocky, at which point my mother springs out of the hospital bed, bitch slaps Death in the face, says, "NOT NOW DAMMIT!"  and spartan kicks him out of the hospital window.  (We're at least ten floors up and there is a car parked right below the window for Death to smash into.  I don't mean to brag, but my mom is cooler than your mom.  Suck it.

Wanna hear a joke?  (Usually this is where I'd say "Women's Rights", but I've already made my offensive joke for the day so I won't say it.)  What kind of people make the lines last twice as long as usual?  Emo kids.  They're all such cutters.

Elevators.  Elevators are fun.  Unless you're stuck in one with a really old person or a young person that smells like an old person.  Anyway, I've been composing a list of my favorite things to do on elevators (also known as ways to annoy other people on elevators).  So far my favorites are making explosions whenever anybody hits a button, and audibly saying "DING" at every floor.  The absolute winner, however, is staring at one person for a while with a huge smile on, then announce, "I have new socks on."

I like to think that clouds are just allergic to rain.

Fact of the Day:  Brett Favre's first completed pass as a Green bay Packer was to himself.


Shout out to Tiffany Siemens