I've always been a gambling man, but that just seems sketchy.
I was recently made aware that The Daily Tablet has been officially submitted to Stumble Upon. If we were at a restaurant or bar, this is the point where I would buy a round of drinks in celebration. Seeing as we're not though, you'll have to settle for a mental high five. Congratulations to me.
Now as you may or may not know, I'm not big on awards shows. To be completely honest, I don't even know the difference between the Grammies, the Oscars, and whatever the other big one is. I'm pretty sure the only actual difference is the shape of the statue/award. Admittedly I will watch the ESPYS, but that more because it's only about sports and is hosted by comedians. That being said, I was off in imaginary world and found myself hosting my own awards show for people that have been breaking ground over my life span. Here's who got the awards and why:
Jeff Foxworthy, for being the first comedian ever to actually be funny using only clean humor.
Chuck Norris, for being Chuck Norris.
Steve Jobs, for taking over the world and then retiring instead of become a planetary dictator.
John Madden, for proving that you can actually be successful/famous with a serious mental disability.
Steve-O, for still being alive.
And Jeff Dunham, for showing that being a ventriloquist can result in something other than getting your ass kicked.
I realize that I'm not the most fashion savy male out there, in fact I'm not even close. I'm actually pretty okay with it too, because I'm convinced that the group that's coming up with the new styles is a combination of three drunk homeless people, Lady Gaga, and this guy. Anyway, what brought on this assesment isn't even the incredibly ridiculous clothes I see people wearing around in Atlanta. It's actually something that people really don't even noticed anymore, because while it hasn't become normal, it has least become accepted. My only three questions are these: (1) Who came up with leaving the 5 inch tags on the outside of hats while wearing them? (2) When did this become okay? (3) When will it become legal to kill these people? As I said before, I accept that I am probably not up to date with whatever's "in" nowadays, but I'm pretty sure that's not it. I may not know what looks fashionable, but I damn well know what's stupid, and that, my friends, is way past stupid. I didn't say anything when people bought those pro baseball hats and left the sticker under the bill, and I mostly stayed quiet cause I figured that fad would go away or the people doing it would choke on something and die, but this is getting out of hand. I watched someone in the mall the other day get hit in the eye with his own tag three times, and he still did't get the hint. I want to stab that man.
As many of you know, I enjoy Zaxby's. For those of you leading deprived lives, Zaxby's is a restaurant, nay, a Heaven sent eatery that has blessed this earth with it's own style of chickeny goodness, and is all around a safe haven for taste buds of all races and age groups. After eating there, I frequently find myself fighting back tears of pure joy as I cap off the last bite of Texas Toast dipped in Zax sauce. Anyway, I'm telling you this firstly because I want to change your life, and secondly because last week I ws informed that the library on campus has a Zaxby's inside of it. I literally screamed when I found out. I struggled through the rest of class bouncing in my chair like a kid who can't open christmas presents til everyone has finished breakfast. The speed at which I left that classroom and traveled to the library was nothing short of phenomenal. At one point I'm pretty sure I knocked over a handicapped person, but he was in a wheelchair and therefore didn't fall very far so it's okay. Long story short, it took me roughly nineteen seconds to get to the library from across campus, I blasted through the security gate, hauled across the study room, hurtled down the stairs, and then died. Well I didn't actually die, but a part of my soul did and I nearly started crying. Why? Saxby's. SAXBY'S. Saxby's Coffee is why. It was the let down of the century.
I've picked up a new hobby. Maybe it spawned from me being single and slightly bitter, or maybe it came around because I have a natural tendency to make others uncomfortable. Either way it's fun. And simple. Basically I go to a grocery store, bookstore, or anywhere that is a populated public area, and simply wear something slightly out of the ordinary. Now to clarify I'm talking about something only slightly weird. For example long colorful socks with sandals. (I live in the South, so that's weird here. I'm talking to you JM.) The whole point is to go to these areas, like the store, and just count how many girls lean over to their boyfriends and whisper something along the lines of "Promise me you'll never wear something like that." Here are a couple things to keep in mind: One, the reactions aren't life altering, it's just a fun little thing to mess with people while you're places you already needed to be, such as getting groceries. Also, the whole point of the game is lost if you wear something completely out of control. For instance, it doesn't count if you go into a bookstore naked from the waste down with the top half of your body looking like a terrifyingly mangled version of Winnie the Pooh on meth. Instead of getting smirks and judgement, you'll scar little children and get arrested. That's not fun for anyone. However if that does happen, I look forward to seeing it on the news.
Fact of the Day: In the United States, a pound of potato chips costs two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.
Shout out to Minoru Kato.
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