Butter is slippery, that's why you should eat as much as possible to lubricate your arteries and veins.

Speaking of which, the other day I was looking at the stats for this blog and came upon the page where it tells me the referral sites.  (Like what websites are sending people to this blog, for example: google, facebook, twitter, etc.)  Long story short, there was a website that's sent 11 people in the last week to The Daily Tablet, and I'd never seen/heard of it so I clicked the link to see what it was.  It was a diet website.  A DIET WEBSITE.  What the hell?!?  How is that even legal.  First off, look at the title of this post.  Seriously??  Secondly, I make it a point to reference bacon at least once per blog.  Third, I hate PETA.  I'm not really sure what that has to do with dieting, but I hate them nonetheless.  Fourth, my overall opinion of dieting is that it sucks.  Unless of course there's some diet out there that I've been missing that promotes shameless carboloading, protein-ingesting, grease-inhaling, and a general stance of gluttony.  And I'm pretty sure there's not, which is why dieting is stupid.  Anyway, I just found that slightly ironic.  I honestly don't know how comfortable I am with being advertised on that kind of site.

Is Tobey Maguire dead yet?

When it really comes down to it, I absolutely hate the Smurfs.  They have got to be the most self-entitled little bastards in the entire cartoon world.  Honestly think about it.  Name one other race, creature, whatever, decides they are going to completely replaces entire parts of the english language with their own damn name.  How is that acceptable??  And there's no pattern to it at all.  I hate it.  That's like me having a normal conversation and just throwing in a "Tab" every now and then.  Let's see how that would play out....

Friend: "Hey man, how's it going?"

Tab: "Pretty well, you?"

Friend: "I'm decent, just finished a psych test, so that's an up side.  How was your weekend?"

Tab: "It was completely Tab.  Like off the Tabbin' chain.  We went out downtown and when we got home we order 17 and a half pizzas and totally Tabbed all of them."

[This is the point where there is an awkward silence as Friend stares and thinks, "Did he just use his own name as an adjective and other parts of speech that I'm not particularly familiar with?  Maybe I misheard....No, I'm pretty sure he did.  This guy is a freak.  Man this is a long silence.  How can I get out of this increasingly awkward situation?  Can I just turn and run?  He's clearly insane, and probably has some kind of weapon with him.  Oh god, there's no way out.  I can't live trapped in a basement for the rest of my life!  *starts hysterically crying*]

So there you have it.  In short, Smurfs lead to insanity, and all because they can't seem to find the decency to learn the rest of the language.  You make me sick you arrogant, vertically challenged, off-color, deformed mutants.  Smurf you.  

My new hobby is now going to be sitting fully dressed in running gear in a sauna for about ten minutes, then jumping into a marathon for the last mile.  It's all of the fulfillment and congratulations without the majority of the work.  Plus you look like a badass when you cross the finish line at eight times the speed of anyone else.

Speaking of colored things that bug me......STOP THAT.  STOP BEING RACIST.  I know exactly what you were just thinking!  You are a horrible person.  I was talking about bananas you mentally deranged racist.  Anyway, back to what I was saying, I am getting increasingly frustrated with bananas as of recently.  As we all know, a green banana means it's not ripe, a yellow banana means banana pudding is in the near future, and according to Mitch Hedberg, a red banana means "Where the fuck did you get that banana?!"  My issue does not lie in the banana color scheme though.  Rather, it's in the time frame in which the color wheel spins.  I feel like when I buy a pack......a bushel?.....a herd?.....Okay, I googled it, and apparently a group of bananas is called a "bunch", but just to clarify, my "bunch" only consisted of a few.  Regardless, when I buy a bunch of bananas I usually get the ones that are greenish so I don't have to eat them immediately.  What gets me though, is that it seems like the bananas stay green for three weeks, are ripe for approximately 12-14 hours, and then immediately spoil.  What the hell bananas?!  Would you rather go to waste than let me indulge in a healthy smoothie or a peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwich?  Have I wronged you in some way?  I just don't understand.

Fact of the Day:  Dairy Cows produce more milk when listening to music.

Shout out to Courtney Gilreath.