Sunday, May 1, 2011

Breakthrough!! Scientists say: "Forget everything you know about Alzheimer's."


Damn! I forgot what the breakthrough was...  Happy New Year though!  Congratulations on surviving.

Why is it that most, if not all, P.E. teachers are overweight?  Also, they all dress like they're the ones that are actually going to do the exercise.  I'm missing something...

This morning was one of the toughest of my life.  The first thing did was spend the first 45 minutes of being awake on hold with the DMV.  Great start.  Then after giving up and hanging up, I tried to get out of the bed.  Now, I don't know if you've ever seen somebody "trip" out of the bed, but I didn't even think that was possible.  Guess what?  It is.  Somehow I managed to get tangled in my bedding like a fork in spaghetti and when I say I hit the ground, I mean it.  After picking up what was left of my self respect,  I proceeded to go take a shower, in which I lost my balance and ate shit again.  Just not my morning.  Then I made breakfast, the complicated task of microwaving a couple of frozen treats.  Enter Fail #3, when I burn not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR stupid Jimmy Dean biscuits.  With specific directions on them.  In a microwave.  How did I even get into college?  And just for dignity's sake we'll pretend I didn't trip down the last four stairs on the way to the kitchen.

"The glass is half full"- The Optimist
"The glass if half empty"- The Pessimist
"The glass is full of 50% liquid and 50% gas"- The Scientist
"The glass is half full of emptiness"- The Optimistic Pessimist

I love being this age.  I can legally go out and get a drink, but can also decide not to go out and now it's "being mature/responsible",  and most of all all small children idolize anyone my age.  I'm pretty sure that I could legitimately convince a small child that I created gravity.  I need to start taking advantage of this...

Just a heads up, and I speak from recent experience, when you have a headache and take an Advil, always, ALWAYS make absolutely sure that you didn't accidentally grab a sleeping pill because you weren't paying attention, especially if you have a lot to do that day.  It makes for a very interesting day, and gives you a first person perspective on a Narcoleptic's daily life.

Here's a suggestion, when picking a song to use as a ringtone, pick one that you like, but is almost overplayed and you're not too attached to.  In related news, if I don't answer your call, do not take it personally, I just really like the song "Running with a gun" by Slightly Stoopid.

Suggestion #2:  If you're ever having a conversation with Satan and he's says something surprising, make sure you have something to say besides "I'll be damned...."  It could get sketchy after that.

I start school in Georgia on the tenth, and in all likelihood will have at least one teacher that thinks we students all need to be best friend in order to learn.  Thus, they provide mandatory, and extremely awkward, ice breakers and introducers.  Now usually I'll play along, but this year I think I'm gonna have a little fun with it.  This time, if anyone asks what I've been doing or where I'm from, I think I'll give them something along the lines of spending the last two years in north Wyoming building a fully functional dune buggy out of lime jello.  You know, something simple.

Fact of the day:  The higher a dog's cholesterol is, the more likely it is to chase it's tail, especially if it's a female.

Shout out to Adam Steinmetz.

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