Mostly because being pissed on would be a lose-lose situation, seeing as you would also be pissed off (unless you are a severely messed up individual).
So I had a dream last night and let me tell you, my dreams have started taking serious hardcore drugs. I mean I realize that dreams are usually a little out there, and through watching Inception I have learned more about dreams than I ever wanted to. But honestly, how many people have a RECURRING dream in which you get shot in the stomach, in Safeway, while serving a plate at an all-you-can-eat Asian chicken buffet with Ellen DeGeneres?? I am a psychiatrist's wet dream. Or nightmare. Either way.
Earlier this afternoon I was watching Who's Line It It Anyway like all good human beings should, and there came about an act in which one participant sings a song about a person in the crowd. This is always funny, but today Drew Carey picked out a crowd member that was a girl with bangs from the 19th century, dressed in full denim overalls, wearing a green shirt, with a navy blazer over it. He asked her profession (for song purposes) and she replied, "fashion designer". Now, let's get this straight, I'm no fashion guru (meaning the only fashion rule I personally understand is that I can wear any shirt I want with jeans), but I feel like this lady miiiiiiiight need to rethink her career choice.
I am beginning to seriously worry about my physical health. Laugh as you may, I believe it's worse than we think. I know I have always claimed that I am invincible, but that only applies to situations in which a normal person should die. When it comes to certain aging factors, I believe I may be as susceptible as anyone. Besides Bubble Boy. He sucks. Anyway, I have the knees of arthritic Vietnam veteran with one amputated leg, my back's not much better, and I think the majority of my vitals organs have checked out as well. So as a result, I decided to go on a health binge. I decided I would do everything right to my body that it needs, including everything from healthy eating to exercise to mouthwash. I planned to do this for 20 days (I was going to do a month, but the Crest White Strip package only came with 20 strips). I was going strong, like Leonidas in wherever he fought, and was fighting through like a champ. However, after three casualties, a short-term jail sentence, and other certain misfortunes, I was forced to end my trial at a mind-blowing 16......hours. Damn.
Lindsay Lohan, I have two words for you: Die already. (Unless you're gonna pull an Anna Nichole Whogivesashit and stay in the news for a decade after you die). There's no physical way your body should be functioning right now. I'm not going to turn this into a Pop Culture blog, but she in particular has gotten my attention. I told her a couple years back those exact two words, but I guess all she heard was "Free Alcohol." While watching some something or other on the TV waiting for Monday Night Football to come on, she popped up on the news again (I couldn't have been more excited, [insert gunshot]). Anyway, the news reporter began talking about her past "acting" and "singing" careers, and stated that "She has been around the block a few times in the Pop World." Yea, because she was too drunk to find the house.
I'm sorry, it's not like I go walking around shooting stuff all day (because unfortunately I left my guns in Georgia), and it's not that I want to kill anything in particular (except Tim Tebow), but I'm getting tired of anti-war protests. I understand it's not physically the healthiest way to go about things, but holy shit it's not the end of the damn world either! The next time I see an anti-war protest with picketers holding their signs and screaming, I'm going make and hold a sign right in front of them saying, "You're right!! Except for Slavery, Fascism, Naziism, and Communism, war has never solved anything!!"......This is probably where I start getting hate mail.
[This next section is rated R for Adult Language and Sexual References]
I can appreciate irony, though, and I did see a sign that made me crack a smile. It said, "Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity." It made me laugh because I have a friend that religiously states that he "drinks mimosas for the Vitamin C". I feel like that goes in whatever category "reading Playboy for the articles" is in. Good try, man, good try.
Medical Advice for the day: If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will immediately remove itself.
Shout out to Fafie.
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