It's not that I hate vegetarians, I just think they are a very, very, very confused species. I wonder if PETA has dropped the lawsuit/restraining order.....
Reader, have you ever been shocked. Not shocked like, "Oh my heavens, I can't believe The Daily Tablet hasn't won a Nobel Peace Prize yet!!" I mean like physically electrically shocked, like fork in a socket, struck by lightning, or getting completely hosed down and having ten people touch you simultaneously with 9 volt batteries (*Not recommended). Well I'm here to warn you about a certain place that you never want to get shocked. Ever. Hold up, don't be immature. Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about being shocked on the inside of your ear. It's horrifying. How did this happen? Headphones and sweatpants, how else? My headphones were in, and as I took off my sweatpants (calm down), they touched the headphones' cord, sending a light electrical pulse up the wire. The problem is that this "light electrical pulse" hit my inner ear and felt like Zeus threw a lightning bolt at my brain. Plus, I must add that it was the most awkward place I've ever been shocked. How do you react? Where do you clutch? I resorted to punching myself in the side of the head, which does not help. Overall, it was a terrible experience, and I hope you never have to endure that kind of pain. Thus, I am adding static electricity to my list of Most Dangerous Things, right between Geese and Miracle Whip.
While we're on the topic of electricity, let's talk about weather. Right now, for this particular paragraph, I am sitting in my bed typing at 3:45 am. Fifteen minutes ago I was sleeping like a coma patient, as I usually do when it is raining. Tonight, however, two of my bitter enemies (Lightning and Thunder) decided to interrupt my slumber. Most times I can manage to get back to sleep upon waking up in the middle of the night. Not tonight. Tonight the lightning and thunder are so bright and loud and booming that it feels like a flash bang grenade is going off while it's strapped to my face. I have to say, I am not a fan.
As far as I'm concerned mattress stores and trampoline stores are the exact same thing. I don't care what that bastard at Serta says.
Another thing I've realized while laying here is my hatred for Geese. And another thing, I hate them even more when they're dead. Come to think of it, I probably wouldn't even hate them at all if they never died. Let me explain. As you're laying in bed or resting your head on a pillow, what is the one thing that ruins your relaxation with a stabbing miniature knife to your soul. I'll tell you. It's that one damn feather that is poking through the blanket or pillow cover like a little invisible needle. It's nearly impossible to find, but as soon as you give up looking and return to lay back down, KAPOW!! Punctured skin. I have concluded that geese are the kamikazes of the animal world. They are angry at humans, mostly because of our refusal to surrender our bread to them, and their retaliation is to allow themselves to be used for Goose Down, and to terrorize us interminably from the grave.
I understand that Chickfila is closed in Sundays because it's a Christian organization and holds to the idea of the Sabbath day. But all I want is a real chicken sandwich, some waffle fries, a sweat tea and an ice dream. Is it really too much to ask? For trying to promote Christian values, they are really making me hate Sundays.
On my casual drive through the tornadoes in Georgia on Saturday, I passed a lot of interesting drivers. My favorite one had to be one of the thousands of men in their midlife crisis. This specific man was different though. You commonly see the ones with Porsches and Corvettes, etc. What made this guy special? Well, this creature was driving a Mini Cooper S, with a personalized license plate that said "TH MINI." As far as the midlife crisis goes, dude, you're just not getting it.
Fear of the Day: Porphyrophobia.
Shout out to Molly Jeffers.
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