Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else.

That is actually true both literally and figuratively.  Not that I have ever done either....

In my apartment complex, everything is pretty normal.  I've got a courtyard our the back, office in the front, elevators, etc.  However, my staircase has got to the be the most intriguing staircase I've ever come in contact with, and believe me, I've seen some weird ones.  But who hasn't?  Anyway, this particular case has an ever changing smell.  It's not always bad, but sometimes it smells like death.  It can range from anything from new car smell, to something that smells like it had to have come out of Ron Jeremy's garbage disposal.  Today, however, it smelled like fresh fried chicken.

In my english class today, I realized in an somewhat embarrassing experience that literally everything can sound freakishly weird if you word it the right/wrong way.  For example, have you ever thought about how weird it is that sometimes clouds turn into water and fall on us?  Or that the entire human race powers their cars on liquid dinosaurs?

I recently watched a video about high fives, and I've decided to talk about them for those of who absolutely dread them.  Here are some things to keep in mind:

   --First off you have to get the timing right.  If you do it too early, they'll just wave.  You can either play it off after that, or very awkwardly keep your hand up in hopes they realize that you also want a high five.  (I must warn you however that there is literally no possible way for this to be pulled off smoothly, and you will always look like a freakin weirdo.)  Don't start to late though, either.  If they initiated the five and you start late, it looks like you've already rejected them.  If you initiate it, but start to late, such as right when you're passing them, it comes off as more of an attack, and usually results in the other person flinching, or in extreme cases, macing you and diving off to the side.  To simplify this, a good rule of thumb is to start the high five roughly about the same distance as you can throw a microwave.

   --Secondly, make sure you have the appropriate strength.  Keep a nice balance here, as the needed pressure can change depending on the age or sex of the other person.  You don't want a high five that feels like a tissue just hit their hand because then you'll come off like a pansy, but nobody wants a broken ulna or radius either.

   --Third, and this is where it starts getting tricky, is the possibility of mistakes by either person.  As we all know, there are almost infinite ways for a high five to go horribly horribly wrong.  One such catastrophe is what some call the "Ball-in-Socket."  This is when one participant goes for the high five, but the other goes for the fist bump.  We've all been there, and it never gets any easier to deal with.  The other all too common mishap is the "Foul Tip."  This is where the high five doesn't connect solidly, such as only two to four total fingers hitting.  If either of these ever happen to you, keep walking and under absolutely NO circumstances turn around or acknowledge that it has taken place.

  --Last of all we come to appropriateness.  Mostly all times are appropriate for a high five, save a select few.  These are at funerals, after any large scale tragedy, and while at urinals.

You are now ready to utilize the high five.  Use it wisely.

Walking through one of the hallways today, I passed a coke machine and it nearly caused me to break down into tears.  This wasn't a normal coke machine.  By the way, for those of you that don't speak Southern, a coke machine sells everything from Coca-Cola to Sprite to Pepsi, I don't care about your arguments, it makes sense to us.  Anyway, this machine wasn't just a drink dispenser, it had an LCD touchscreen to make your selection.  And it wasn't just a normal touchscreen, it was a 3 foot by 2 foot touchscreen.  It had better definition than my television.  Oh right, speaking of televisions, did I mention that it had a 22 inch high definition television BUILT IN???  Yea, so just in case those dramatic seven seconds when you're picking out your drink get too stressful, you can watch a bit of the Simpsons or Family Guy to unwind, then make your decision.   There are so many thing so wrong and so right about this, I don't even know where to start.

Somebody ought to hunt down Al Gore, steal his Nobel Prize, freeze it in a block of ice, and send it to the North Pole.  That way, if he's right about "Global Warming" he'll get his award back.  If not, he;s still an idiot and we'll have taken his idiot toy away.  Thank you, Mr Hatasaki, for bringing this to my attention.

Fact Of The Day:  The most common name for a goldfish is Jaws.

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Bonus Fact:  The safest year of life is lived at age ten.

Shout out to Sarah Harpold.