Slightly cynical, but very true. It's not that I'm suspicious about things being handed to me, it's just that....well, yea, I'm suspicious when things are just handed to me.
Does anybody within 5 years on either side of my age even have a remote idea how to do long division anymore?
Lists are one of the coolest things on the planets. They organize things, help you remember things, and most importantly, make you feel like a completely badass. It's only happened a handful of times to me, but if you ever have the chance to be on a VIP list, drop everything and go. Seriously, I don't care if you're in the middle of a final exam or if you are literally holding a child, drop it and go. When you walk by the people standing in line to enter the regular way, you will feel like Zeus passing by all the mere mortals on the way to Olympus. If you say otherwise, you are a dirty liar and I want nothing to do with you. Honestly, I would still feel like the definition of awesome if I was on the VIP list to get into a goddamn grocery store.
Yesterday on campus I was blessed with the chance to see what looked like an 65 year old man, tiny and frail, repping a fitted, pro baseball-style hat that was bright yellow and had Spongebob's face on it. I dream of being that cool. Elderly people for the win.
Seriously, I can program computers, edit videos (somewhat), beat entire court systems, and if you put a simple long division problem in front of me and told me to show my work, I don't think I could do it.
So I walked outside yesterday and ran into some Girls Scouts. Nothing wrong there. The problem was with what they were selling. I think we all can agree that even among Sour Patch Kids, automated transportation, and color tv, Girl Scout cookies rock pretty hard. And this is coming from me, and I don't even like cookies. In truth, I can even now stomach a Thin Mint or two. Basically, it comes down to the fact that Girl Scout cookies are cast as some of the most perfected foods in all of history. So, you ask, what was the problem? The problem, my unsuspecting friends, lies in the lack of cookies. These "Girl Scouts", if that's even who they were, sold nuts. Girl Scout Nuts. Moving past the obvious disturbing fallacies with this entire concept, we must face the fact that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. Why would they EVER feel the need to vary from the cookies sales, much less stop them?!?! We need help people. We need serious help.
For those of you who don't know, I am moving back to the South. For those of you with money, I am selling all of my stuff, including my 101 DVDs. A couple days ago I arranged via text to sell a movie (the Little Rascals, to be specific). I have to admit I was surprised, as I never actually expected to sell that movie. So, after agreeing on a very inconspicuous and private place, we rendezvoused at the nearby 7-11. Dressed in my best suit (not true), I called the number, and approached the driver's side of the car. Then I was floored (not literally). I was selling the 1993 version of the Little Rascals to a very intimidating (roughly) 280 pound black man covered in tattoos. Didn't see that coming.
Screw it. Long division is stupid anyway.
Invention of the Day: Calculators.
Shout out to Nikki Odderstol.
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