And 98% of all statistics are made up.
So one of my teachers this semester is the kind that loves to bring people to the board to work problems. To be honest, I didn't even know that was legal in college. Anyway, I was the victim of this crime on the second day of class, and three times since then. What I've come to discover through this is that I am partially retarded when at the board. At my desk I might as well be a super-genius (possibly a slight exaggeration), and as I stand up to head to the front I'm working out the problem in my head with no issues. At some point in the nine feet it takes to get to the board though, I momentarily relax, and when I look back to the part of my brain that knows the answer, all I see is a sign that says "Out to lunch. Be back after you've been unbearably embarrassed and are back in your seat." Fantastic. For a couple seconds I panic, then think "I can probably just wing it and and re-figure it out, right? The answer to that question is NO. Actually, it's VERY NO. For some reason, my thought process when I am trying to do any kind of schoolwork in front of people is comparable to that of an intoxicated three year old. In short, it doesn't work. Test average? Flawless. The grade my class would guess judging from my performance in front of them? F. No, actually lower. F minus.
Do you remember "Field Days" from school when we were kids? Yours might have been called something different, but it was a day of school where everybody just had outdoor activities, etc. Regardless, I just wanted to say that I think that Wheelbarrow racing should be banned from humanity. Not like actually racing in wheelbarrows, I have no quarrel with that, I mean the racing where one person is walking on their hands and another is holding their feet. I don't think I've ever participated in a wheelbarrow race in which I managed not to face plant into a gym floor or rocks or something. It's stupid, I hate it, and I don't think it should be legal.
Recently I was at the gym being an active human, and got to witness something I find both hilarious and depressing at the same time. Now everyone that has ever been to a gym has seen what I like to call the "Hulkasaurus Rex." This is the guy that seems as though he has been spoon fed steroids since birth and looks like he has school buses under his sleeves. He is under the impression that every person on the earth looks at him with pure admiration and jealousy, despite the fact that his veins are protruding out half an inch. That was a brutal image, I'm sorry for that. Anyway, there is always at least one in the gym, and they feel the need to claim their territory in a lion-esque way, meaning to scream/roar as loud as possible while working out to let everyone in the area code know they are lifting an above average amount of weight. This I've never understood because while I would always like to be strong, I see no need to be able to tote around semi trucks, or toss small apartment buildings. Regardless, I got to see a rarity the other day in that I saw not one, but TWO Hulkasaurus Rexes in the gym at the same time. It was incredible. The best part about it was that their "conversation", if you can call it that, had absolutely no words spoken. I swear to God. It was a series of grunt, growls, and barks, while they nodded, held the other's weights, and did what looks like some elementary form of charades. And they weren't even good charades. It was incredible. I had to stifle back my laughter, mostly because of my fear that their veins were actually going to jump out and strangle me. I loved it though because it proves my theory that these small testicled, steroid drinking, steel eating, muscle guys that live in gyms are actually devolving back into cave men. Boom. Roasted.
Things that make me angry:
-When someone puts a DVD back in the wrong case. Really? I didn't know Seven Pounds had a picture of Anchorman on the front. How about that?
-Incredibly unprepared gameshow contestants. If you can't swim, Survivor probably isn't your cup of tea.
-Overly dramatic infomercial actors. It doesn't take Superman to open the pickle jar, and closing the blinds isn't rocket science, please do humanity a favor and die.
-People who take the elevator one floor up. You are the reason America is fat.
-Salmonella and Mad Cow Disease. I am going to die one day, but it sure as hell won't be because of a cow or a chicken. (Does not include if cow/chicken is stuffed with C4.)
-Red lights between the hours of 2 and 5am.
-Shower caps.
-Unicycles. There's a reason you're the only one riding a unicycle.
-Oprah's Book Club. Maybe recommend one that's not a sexually abused cancer infected autobiography? Some people like happy things.
-Jean shorts. (Self-explanatory.)
-Golf clubs. (Rant time). You've got a couple architects, landscapers, and a few angry former golfers making these courses as hard as they can, but you've also got physicists, metallurgists, and aeronautical engineers making golf clubs that can hit 500 yards dead straight every time. Of course Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson are awesome, NASA makes their clubs. If I was in charge, every player would get three clubs: a wooden plank, a pool cue, and a shovel. A par 5 would be 12 yards long and you have a maximum time limit of 5 minutes per hole. Now that's a game.
I have a class on Tuesdays and Thursday at 8 in the morning (partially because I'm trying to be mature, but mostly because I'm an idiot). Last week in this class, and guy walked in about five minutes late. Understandable, seeing as no sane person should be early or on time to a class at this ungodly hour. What caught my eye is that this particular male, who we'll refer to as Mr Woods, was wearing a single golf glove. Naturally I tuned out our teacher and turned my attention, or imagination rather, to any and all possible reasons that Mr Woods would be wearing this glove. After ruling out the abstracts, such as dinosaurs and mayonnaise defense, I boiled it down to two possibilities. First, it was cold outside, and maybe he didn't own a normal set of gloves, so he donned right and left handed golf gloves. Second, he was playing golf before class. There are obvious problems with both of these, and I have decided that it was a combination of the two, and he had played golf before class with both gloves on, which leads to the conclusion that he is certifiably out of his mind. It blows my mind how ridiculous people are today. It's like logic is out the window. Whatever. I don't judge.
How do witches shower if they melt? Maybe they're not naturally mean, they just get that way because everybody says they smell bad.
Shout out to Jacob Dickman.
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