Damn, and I thought I was good at both editing and writing. That's a buzz kill.
I'm almost positive that Mos Def is back in college. If this is true, he is in my physics class. I'm going to ask him to rap the explanation next time he goes to the board.
Do you want to know one of the most terrifying and bewildering experiences that a guy can have in today's world? Taking a shower at a girls house. Stay with me here. What you need to think through here is the fact that the average guy's shower includes one bottle of body wash OR a bar of soap, and a 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. If he's eccentric, he'll even separate those last two and have a separate bottle of shampoo and conditioner. Girls are a different story. An average girl has, and this is a rough estimation based on my experience, at least 26 bottles in her shower consisting of enough shampoo, conditioner, and facial scrub to clean a small country. To make this interesting, I'm going to give you an inside look on the guys mind when showering at a girls house. Let's begin:
--"Alright, let's get clean."
--[strips, opens shower door, and climbs in]
--"OH MY GOD!!!" (50% chance of falling to the floor here)
--[Realizes that there is not another person in the shower, just a stack of 39 bottles of god-knows-what]
--"Oh sweet Jesus..."
--[Turns on shower and rinses off, turns to array of bottles looking for body wash]
--"Eff. All I want is body wash, does she not have any bodywash?! She has every else possible, but no bodywa...AH! Dove! Perfect."
--[Washes body normally, proceeds to put the bottle back]
--"Good Lord how does she get all these bottles on this one damn rack?! I feel like I'm playing Jenga in reverse...wait a second. SHIT! Since when does Dove make shampoo?!! Damn it, damn it, damn it."
--[Puts down shampoo and resumes search for bodywash once again]
--"Oh thank God. A bar of soap."
--[Washes self again]
--"Okay, hair time. Uhhhh..."
--[Begins process of picking up every bottle trying to find a simple shampoo]
--"Christ. Why is everything in here so damn complicated?? 'Shampoo for dry, colored treated, fake, extended frizzy hair that needs volume' What does that even mean?!? I'd use it except for the fact that the warning say for anything else but the specified hair, side effects including death may occur. How is that even possible from shampoo?! 14-33%? How am I supposed to know the humidity percentage outside?? At this point I'll even use a conditioner instead. Where the hell did that Dove bottle go?? I swear I just put it right here..... Oh screw it."
--[Closes eyes and grabs a random bottle]
--"And the winner is...Alterna Ten. Okay, I'll just use this one. She's got thirty other bottles, this one be any different." ****
--[Shampoo]
--"Okay conditioner.... Fuck that, I'm done with this."
--[End shower]
****Speaking from experience, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you EVER use a shampoo called Alterna Ten from a girls shower. Apparently it is about $60 for 8 ounces of the stuff, which is made from caviar, African something-or-other, and the pure souls of small children.
You know, when I was in California, people used to plague me with jokes about how the South isn't as sophisticated and advanced as their western state. I persevered because inside I was laughing about how my state isn't in irreversible debt, but then I came back and noticed some interesting things. Their priorities are in being cutting edge and having the most advanced stuff. Georgia, apparently, just wants a Bass Pro Shop that's as big a an entire neighborhood. And not just one, more like two per zip code. I really can't decide who wins here.
I was driving to Tuscaloosa the other weekend to visit some friends and I passed a couple golf courses. If you've read my previous blogs, you know my general opinion of golf, and those were my first thoughts. Then I noticed the houses along the course. They were very nice and looked very peaceful. I thought it would be pleasant to live in a house next to a nice, respectable golf course. Then sanity came back and I realized how bad of an idea that actually was. Just the fact that I exist proves there are people that slice like a knife when they hit the ball, and they do it as hard as they can.* I'm not gonna tell you where I did it, but there have been multiple golf trips on which I hit the ball more sideways than forward, and somebody's house caught the raw end of the deal. Those golf rounds lasted about three holes on average before I resorted to fleeing.
*For those of you who don't know what "slicing" is in the golf world, it's went you aim forward, yet somehow manage to hit the ball with an ungodly amount of spin that results in the ball careening off the side of the course, usually heading towards the most expensive car/house within range with all the discretion of a suicide bomber.
People who need to wear seatbelts more than anybody else:
-Astronauts
-NASCAR drivers
-Asians
People who shouldn't have to wear seatbelts at all:
-Farmers
-People I don't like and want to be injured
-Kamikaze pilots
Merriam-Webster's definition of Stalemate: A drawing position in chess in which a player is not in checkmate but has no legal move to play.
Urban Dictionary's definition of "Stalemate": When your friend happens to be a slice of bread and you leave him out in the air for too long.
Shout out to Cheney Burton.
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