Me? I don't do either. I sit in the boat and drink beer. I think it's better than both.
When did Halloween become a weeklong holiday? It's amazing, cause there's is a very specific hierarchy of Halloween celebrations and costumes. Let me educate you by age:
0-2: One midday celebration as a Pumpkin, M&M, or some type of vegetable.
2-9: One full day and early night, Girls are princess or something along those lines, and guys are Power Rangers, Cowboys, etc.
9-17: "I'm too cool for Halloween"
17-19: Day of dressing up, weekend of partying, costumes variate, usually something low key (Still in highschool).
19-25: Roughly a week of celebration, multiple costumes, stressed out planning which usually results in going with whatever you own because you're poor as dirt, plus excessive drinking.
25+: "It's October already?"
Has anybody else noticed that there is only one company that makes the game Monopoly??? Does nobody else see the unbelievable irony here?!?!
When I was a wee lad, I had an obsession with the show Winnie the Pooh. Now, thinking back, I'm pretty convinced that that entire show was based on drug addictions. Stay with me now, let's analyze. Pooh has a ridiculous imagination. LSD. Christopher Robin can talk to animals. Acid. Piglet is constantly afraid and thinks he's being chased. Mushrooms. Tigger is always bouncing and always happy. Speed and/or Ecstasy. Rabbit is always needing something and in everyone's business. Cocaine. We're being brainwashed from the very beginning.
Earlier today I was smashed in the head with the absolutely perfect solution for tailgaters (people driving right on your ass, not people grilling before a football game). All you have to do is hook up your accelerator pedal to your brakes lights and PRESTO!! You hit the gas, they hit the brakes, and you're gone!
While we're analyzing things, let's do voicemails. During the course of today I think I've received every single type of voicemail you can get (there are ):
-The Pocket Dial: Soft sounds with some muffled speaking in the background.
-The Dad: [long and drawn out over at least nine minutes] "Hey _______ , it's your dad. [pause] Haven't heard from you in a while. [pause] Just checking in to see how you're doing there. [pause] Just give me a call back, your mother and I look forward to hearing from you. [15 seconds then hang up]
-The Friend Who Can't Work Phones: Sounds remarkably like the Pocket Dial, but sometimes can get interesting because this was actually a conscious call and the friend thinks they hung up, but like the title suggests, they do not know how to work a phone.
-The Friend at a Concert: Which sounds like this: "YOUGOTTAHEARTHISAOJDQWHARFLELALALAEOQUILT"
Somebody please explain interpretive dance to me. Honestly, they've been doing it for years and does anybody even have a clue what they are trying to tell us? I mean I'm just curious...
As I was driving to In & Out with one of my friends who we'll called Zach Galifinakis, we began taking a stroll down memory lane. Our conversation started with Lincoln Logs, and eventually came to Legos. Now I don't know about you, but there was a significant portion of my life that was dominated by Legos. From spending hours building the ultimate fortress, to spending countless days looking for that one God forsaken piece to finish in your 3,000,000 piece set, to stepping on the only fucking piece that blends in with the carpet when you're barefooted. Life changing.
So say we're in a spaceship, in Star Wars for example, and go into light-speed, how exactly do the headlights still work?
You know what a really dejecting feeling is? When I buy a ticket at the ticket booth of a movie theater, and the clerk says, "Here you go, enjoy your movie!" And I reply, "Thanks! You too!" Dammit. Did I really just say that?
I think Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
Game of the week: The Floor is Lava.
Team of the Week: San Francisco Giants.
Shout out to Emily Brook.
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