Uncle Kracker was spot on.

"Follow me, everything is alright.  I'll be the one to tuck you in at night."  Well not so much that last part, I don't do much tucking in unless the person is my child or my significant other, and seeing as how none of you fit the criteria, your chances don't look good.  Nevertheless, I can get paid for this if I have enough followers, and though my number one priority is to make sure all of you are entertained*, I sure would love to make money off of this thing**.  All you gotta do is move about four or five inches that way ---->, an inch up, and click that white button that says "follow".  Thank you. Now that that's done, we can let the fun begin.

FUN!

Now that the fun's done, I can just talk (this is my favorite part).

So today was the first day of soccer for me, and once I finally managed to get through the masses of reporters, scouts, fans, and convinced Ronaldo that yes, I would let him name his son after me, I made it to the soccer field promptly 4 minutes late (that's 11:34am PT).  After throwing on my cleats and hitting the field at 11:37, I worked vigorously at bettering myself at the game.  After an intense session and almost dying of heat exhaustion, at 11:54 I sat down, completely done in, to take a break.  For those of you keeping track, that's a grand total of 17 minutes until I died.  At this point, I've discovered that Larry the Freaking Cable Guy has more athletic stamina than I do.  Talk about boosting your ego.  I did, however, manage to finish the practice though (with the intensity and vigor of a 72 yr old asthmatic grandma).

You know what really grinds my gears?  Nothing. I don't have gears.  I have ears, which is a similar word, but nothing grinds them for that would be painful.

Also, my hips have never actually spoken a single word, so therefore they don't lie either.  I don't see what the big deal is, Shakira.

Let's talk about Cost Co. for a little bit.  If I didn't have a SERIOUS addiction to the samples and $1.50 hot dog/soda combo, I would hate that place (in theory).  The concept that Cost Co. is based on is exactly why America is fat: quantity is the most important part of everything.  SPLURGE, SPLURGE, SPLURGE.  It is based on somebody that simply wants 35 bottled waters for $3 (still ridiculous) that's wAndering through the store and thinks to themself, "You know I guess I could use 467 Cherry Stems, and that's a great price for 3,014 Luggage Tags, I DO need those."  Let me break this down for you:

NO.

YOU.

DON'T.

That's all I got for now, thanks for playing.

Shout out to Laura Dwyer.

*Not actually true.

**100% true.