Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I was a sad man when I learned that yesterday was in fact the 33rd anniversary of Evlis Presley's death.  I would now like to ask everyone to have a moment of silence in honor of him.  Actually I'm not sure that cuts it, because I'm pretty sure you're always silent when you read these things, unless you're THAT PERSON in the library that is reading out loud, in which case somebody thinks you are very, very strange.  Regardless, I'm not sure I'm a fan of "moment of silence" because I know, at least for me this is the case, as soon as somebody says, "Please have a moment of silence for the [shmeh]", the first thing that goes through my mind isn't that shmeh, it's "How long does this last?  Who's going to end it? Am I disrespecting Shmeh if I cough?"  Nevertheless, we must honor them in some way, so assuming the last couple minutes of your life have been silent, I would like to propose a "moment of loudness".  On the count of three, everybody just scream "Elvis Presley".  Seriously do it.  Don't suck.  Ready? 1......2........3,  ELVIS PRESLEY!!!........Did you actually do that?!  Now everybody in the library thinks you're even weirder than that guy reading aloud to himself.  At least he's not randomly screaming about deceased rock stars.  You need to work on your public etiquette.

If you feel the need to have another moment of loudness for something, but do not know what your should do it in honor of, let me recommend bread bowls.  Last night, as I was sitting in my unfurnished living room on the floor indulging in some of Domino's finest delivery cuisine, I realized that on my list of greatest inventions EVER, bread bowls rank about number  (right behind Rainbow Sandals, Bubble Wrap, and Ranch Dressing).  Seriously awesome stuff.  Pre-invention, if you had asked me if I would like to eat my soup and then be able to eat the bowl, I would respond by slapping you in the face. "All my bowls are glass or plastic," I would say, "and eating those would be painful, don't be ridiculous."  If you were to ask, "What if the bowls were made of bread?" I would probably still scoff at you.  Nowadays, put one of those heavenly creations in front of me, and I damn well might tear up.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that someone that I know through someone else, I will not mention any names (cause I forgot who it was) is what I like to call a "Reverse Vegetarian".  This means that this person ONLY EATS MEATS.  Whoever you are, I would like to congratulate you on two things: First, on being the most awesome and most carnivorous person that I have ever heard of, and Second, for being number one on PETA's hit list and surviving this long.  Keep it up.  SIDE NOTE: I was recently involved in a scuffle with a PETA member over there meaning.  We had a minor misunderstanding, and to clarify, it stands for "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals" not in any way "People Eating The Animals".  My bad.

At this point, if we were all ages 6-10, this is how the rest of the conversation would go:

You: "I bet you don't have anything else to talk about."

Me: "Yes I do, I have a ton of stuff to talk about!"

You: "Then tell me."

Me: "No."

You: "Why not?"

Me: "'Cause I don't feel like it."

Random Fact of the Day: Heinz Ketchup leaves the bottle at the furious rate of 25 miles per year (that's .003 mph for you math junkies).

Shout out to Michelle Sjodin.