And this damn blog. It's a curse. An entertaining, money supplying curse.
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Let's talk about cereal. More specifically how much cereal sucks. I have a friend, actually I have a lot of friends, but I don't want to brag and make the lesser people feel bad. Anyway we'll call him Captain Crunch. This specific human being is a completely normal person except for one detail. Captain Crunch ingests more cereal than he does oxygen. I'll refrain from the bad cereal puns, but this guy would literally inject cereal if it was possible. So for his sake, I'm having an intervention. Well actually it's not so much of an intervention as it is a list of reasons why cereal sucks a big one. Let's begin: First, and this is honestly my biggest problem with it, is that it fills you up until you want to throw up....for all of 32 seconds. Then you're starving again. Captain Crunch's solution? Eat more cereal. He is so confused. Second, cereal, no matter what kind, has about as much flavor as those styrofoam peanuts you pack with. Why would I pay $5-15 for a bag of name brand or bargain cereal when I could snack on the cardboard boxes I have rotting in my closet? Seems like the same thing to me... Third, let's face it, milk is perfect as it is and cereal just ruins it, just like it ruins everything else. Fourth, the only cereal that is remotely bearable is based on stupid little gimmicks. I don't want to be thinking about little children while I'm eating, nor do I want to support a group of devilish kids tormenting a rabbit by withholding food. It's just wrong. Overall we can see that cereal is probably the worst option for breakfast you ever choose, and hence Captain Crunch is clearly insane. I'm just going to go ahead and rank cereal as number 22 on my Things That Suck List, right in between pollen and kodak cameras.
Who was the genius that decided to put flour in paper bags? Hey, we've got a ton of powder that we need to package, and it spreads like the flu and if it gets wet it looks like chunky mayonnaise, what should we do? I know!! Let's put it in ridiculously fragile bags made of paper that will rip almost every time they're touched!! It's foolproof!! No. It's the worst idea since communism. You suck.
In my numerous experiences on those pressurized metal tubes hurtling through the air at hundreds of miles per hour, also known as airplanes, I have discovered many things. One of the most important things about a flight is your seat. Usually it's a simple decision, you have a personal preference (front, window, aisle, etc). Mine is that I want to be on the aisle because my legs hate me and continue to grow, making it extremely uncomfortable to fly. However, I have recently found that the window seat is essentially the King of the plane. Well technically I guess the pilot is the King, so the window seat is more like jerk son with an overgrown sense of entitlement. Anyway, I sat in the window and realized that I alone had the ability to control my entire row. Want to look out the window? NOPE. I feel like sleeping. Want to sleep? NOPE. Here's a blast of sunlight straight to your face. My favorite thing to do, especially to the idiots that think they own the entirety of the armrest, is wait until they start reading a book or magazine then shut the window. They'll immediately turn on the overhead light to continue reading, I'll wait a minute or two, then open the window again. The glare will force them to turn off the light. I continue they give up. Then I punch them in the face, give an evil laugh, and take their pretzels. Okay that last part might just happen in my head, but it's entertaining nonetheless. While we're on the subject, what happened to serving peanuts? Does nobody do that anymore? I was getting pumped because the airlines were really stepping up their peanuts game. It went from plain salted to flavored, like....well I cant remember but they were good. I don't even really like pretzels. I mean I love the ones like Wetzels Pretzels, the soft ones. Throw in some nice processed nacho cheese and I'm in heaven. Unfortunately, packaging up 8-10 of those in bags and serving them to passengers would be incredibly problematic, not to mention expensive. I don't even want to think how troublesome it'd be to try and keep them warm. Nobody likes a cold pretzel. Get in the game.
Woah, got a little off topic there.
While we're talking about Waffles, I'll let you in on a little tidbit I've also realized over the past couple years: There is a clear hierarchy in the fast food breakfast world. To clarify, I do not consider the breakfast served at normal fast food establishments such as Burger King as actual breakfast. If you do, you deserve the heart attack that's coming to you. I'm talking about places like Waffle House. Secondly, if you disagree with my ranking, you are either drunk, insane, or just stupid. Or all three, in which case God help you. My list begins with Waffle House sitting at #1. The only explanation for that waffle is that on the eighth day God got hungry and came up with a waffle recipe, then sent it to the Waffle Hizzie. And just in case you're still not sold, they make bacon waffles. Yea, you heard me. If you order it, they will put strip of bacon in your waffle. All joking aside, I started crying the first time I heard that. I don't want to spend to much time on this because I'm already hungry so I'll move on to number two. Holding the silver medal in this category is Denny's. Your first reaction may be "What?!? Denny's?! That place is cancer on a plate!!" Yes. Yes it is. And that's why it's #2. One word: Baconalia. It is a menu of nothing but bacon dishes. This is literally the only reason Denny's made the list. The #3 spot is held by the International House of Pancakes. IHOP is like the weird brother of Waffle House. It's there, and it's definitely related, but it's just missing a couple things. I can't even remember the last time I went to one. Just not a fan. Finally there's Huddle House. I don't want to give it #4, so I won't. It get's #14. I don't even know what #4-13 are, but they definitely aren't Huddle House. If IHOP is the weird brother, then Huddle House is the retarded cousin with dementia. And that honestly might be who's cooking the food there too. Blech.
There's a lot more going on in my head, but I'll post that in a couple days.
Fact of the Day: Ian Fleming, the creator of the James Bond adventure novels, was also the author of Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang.
Shout out to Kristy Norman.
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