That also works for pranking, terrorism, and PDA.
Click the Follow button over there dammit. It takes nine seconds, then you can get back to my wonderful writing.
I'm pretty sure when they make shopping carts, like the ones for Walmart, etc, they break them before they even send them to the stores. Either that, or we're still using the same ones from 1963, just with a new coat of paint. I say this because in my 22 years of life, I have never once had a shopping cart that didn't have some kind of defect. Whether it's steering to one side, missing a wheel, or on the verge of bursting into flames, I have never had a fully functional shopping experience.
I still continue to be amazed at today's drugs. Not like heroine or crack or any of the "recreationally" used ones, I mean the prescription, legal, and advertised drugs. You know, the ones that come on commercials that can fix every little thing that's wrong with you......and then cause thirteen other problems worse than the ones you had. I was watching TV yesterday when an ad for some pill came on, and I was pretty zoned out until I heard the guy that's on speed that talks at the end of the commercials. Basically all was dandy til he came on, and through the waterfall of words I managed to catch, "...may also cause tuberculosis and several types of cancer." No, you didn't misread that. SEVERAL TYPES OF CANCER. Seriously? We spend our entire lives trying to avoid a few specific deadly diseases, and cancer is vying for the top of the list. Several types?? With that risk, I wouldn't even take that pill if I already had cancer. What illness could you possibly have that validates taking the risk of getting several types of cancer?!? And don't you love how right at the part where they're telling you that this pill to help your heartburn could also be used as a nuclear weapon, they're always playing smooth jazz or some kind of elevator-esque music to sooth you into believing this "medicine" won't actually kill you and everyone within a 200 yard radius? I think there needs to be a line, and once it's crossed those drug companies should be required to end their commercials with this: "Warning: Taking this pill can/will result in everything short of death, and in some cases, death itself."
Potlucks. Potlucks are awesome. Unless all of your friends suck at cooking and are in denial and refuse to just go buy something. That being said, ours were always freaking awesome. Luckily, all of my neighbors (I'll call us the Adams Family because unique barely begins to cover it) are wonderful cooks or wonderful realists who would just swing by the grocery store. Either way, ours were great.
Here's what I assume a Stoner Potluck dinner would look like if they all smoked before:
-Sour Patch Kids
-Cheetos
-Brownies
-Flamin Hot Cheetos
-1 to 5 gallons of 7-11 Slurpees
-Flamin Hot Cheetos Lime Flavored
-Cookie Cake
-Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos
-Doritos
-Little Debbie Cakes
-Bagel Bites
-More Cheetos
Ladies and Gentlemen, you can rest easy now. After a couple year stint, I can finally eat at Subway again. After indulging in an ungodly amount of food per sandwich, I had disgusted myself to the point of vomiting, and essentially boycotted Subway for nearly three years. Previous to now, if you had asked me if I wanted to go to Subway, I probably would have told you that I'd rather eat an actually subway train, then punched you in the kidney. (Notice how I didn't hit you in the face. I did so because chance are, you're driving, and you need to be able to see/think clearly to drive. You're welcome.)
As of recently, three days ago in fact, I now accept credit cards. Oh yea, I going big. This stems from the fact that when I get bored, I start randomly downloading free apps on my iPhone. Yes I have an iPhone. I'm a Mac Brat. I bit the Apple. However you want to say it, it's true. Unless you're saying I sold my soul to Steve Jobs, that's very inaccurate. I lost my soul years ago for gambling talent, I actuaLly had to trade my conscience for this one, and let me tell you, it makes life a LOT easier. Anyway, when I say I'm downloading random apps, I'm not just talking about the games, like most people do. I download anything and everything. From cameras, to editors, to alarms, to games, to sports, to music, to apps whose only purpose is to count how many times you open your phone. (Also, one called "Hold On" which is an app that sees how long a user can hold a virtual button. That's it.) Anyway, during these entrepreneurial adventures, I come across a few good ones every now and then. I just happened upon one called Square. It turns your phone into a credit card processing machine. They send you a free card reader that plugs into your phone and is about the size of a quarter. Cool right? How am I going to use it? Well to be honest, I don't know. That's really the entire point of this paragraph. I feel the need to start a business for which I can use this app, and I'm drawing blanks for ideas. Please comment below with your thoughts and ideas. (No, you will not receive any compensation whatsoever for your efforts. Think of it as your good deed for the day.)
I'm pretty sure if it came down to it, I could solely subsist on Lunchable Pizzas.
Speaking of maturity, I realized something last week. It's how to tell if you're mature yet. Short answer: No. You're not. ButI'm going to let you in on my personal secret, a signal to let you know when you are. Growing up, my mom always told me that she'd know when I really matured because I'd be planning ahead, budgeting money, saving, and all that nonsense. I say nay. I believe maturity has officially struck when I can take a pizza out of the oven (usually 425 degrees), and not burn the inside of my mouth to molten ash. Why? Because this means I have the willpower to be hungry, look at a fresh pizza, see that it is clearly still 425 degrees, and exercise the necessary restraint to wait until it is cool. For those of you wondering, no, I have not yet reached this point. As we speak, my mouth feels like I'm chewing on lava, and I have absolutely no sense of taste.
In my opinion, how somebody looks when they're walking is completely dependent on their arms. Stay with me here. Next time you're walking, test out a couple different arm motions. Or just read this, stand up and give it a whirl. Trust me it's interesting. You'll find that the normal, loose-armed motion is that your left arm swings forward in time with your right leg, and vice versa. Try swinging your right arm forward with your right leg, and left arm with your left leg. Also, try not to laugh when your do this. In your mind you think it looks funny, but it can't even compare to how it looks in real life. Kind of like a flamboyantly gay prostitute with a limp in both legs. The no arms-down-no-movement walk just makes you look like you think you're part robot, and the arms-up walk just makes you look like a confused nazi. Now, after you've imagined/experienced all these, I just want you to know that I had this realization on the way to my chemistry lab, and tested all of these in public on the way there before I realized what I was doing.
Some people want to cure a disease. Some want to be a professional athlete. Some want to invent the next crucial step in technology. Me? My goal is to get through life without every serving jury duty.
Whilst stumbling through the internet, I came upon what I believe to be one of the most evil and genius creations to date. It's called the Tyrant Clock. It's an alarm clock that works like every other alarm clock out there......if every other alarm clock's goal was to completely ruin your life and crush every relationship you have. Say you need to get up at 6am to study for an early presentation (or because vintage reruns of the original Sonic the Hedgehog are on, I don't judge). You would set the alarm for 6am. At 6 the next morning, the alarm would go off in a normal manner. If you get up and turn it off, all is well. If you keep sleeping, or just lie there uselessly, this is where Satan comes in. If you don't quickly turn of the clock, it syncs to your phone, goes through your contact list, randomly selects a contact, and calls them. If/When they answer, all they hear is the alarm blaring. So you're in a deep sleep, your alarms wakes you up, and you think you'll just lay there for a second or two more to really wake up, when all of a sudden your diabolical alarm clock calls your ex-mother-in-law who also happens to be the professor you're giving the presentation to. Don't ask me why you still have her number, you're the one that's too lazy to clean out your contact list. Plus, you clearly have skewed judgement as you actually thought this life-crushing technology would be a worthwhile purchase. You've got a lot on your plate, buddy, and it's all poisonous. Good luck.
Why is it that cows are always abducted by aliens? I mean, like in books and movies and stuff. Really though, why cows? Do aliens have a cow fetish? Or do they just really really like milk? Maybe cows make better pets if you really get to know them, and the aliens treat earth like a really really big adoption center. I guess I'll never know....
There are certain places in this world that I avoid like fat people avoid scales. One such place is the Home Depot. This is for a multitude of reasons. For starters, I'm one of those people that as soon as I get into a place like that, my dopamine levels skyrocket. I become a tiny little kid, and a want to buy/test out everything. I have to admit it's fun, but it's very detrimental to my public image. Secondly, I love building, breaking, and cooking a lot, but I have about as much experience with the Home Depot as Osama Bin Laden had with hugging people. In other words, I can go in there and have two solid hours of fun, and never actually find the thing that actually caused me to go there in the first place. I mean seriously, look at that place. It's like Walmart, but without the food and nobody looks insane. You walk in, chanting to yourself the list of stuff you need so you don't forget it, and realize that the lightbulb section might not even be in the same zip code as you. Oh but wait! You're in luck! There's a guy in an orange vest! And he's only three blocks away! Chances are by the time you get there, you've realized that he was either a dehydration-induced mirage, or he's real but "Sorry, I actually work in the Paint section, I'm just walking to the back." Thanks a heap, jerk. Anyway, after what seems like an hour of fruitless searching I usually find myself playing with the chainsaws or astroturf, then I just leave.
Today while playing Solitaire on my phone, I clicked the menu button and had the option to play Normal, Klondike, Vegas, or Multiplayer. Multiplayer? Multiplayer Solitaire? Please explain.
Earlier, while in my chemistry lab, I had a revelation. It's about apples. I have no idea whatsoever of why I thought about it during my Chem lab, so don't even bother asking. Anyway, what I figured out is that I judge people pretty severely if they're eating an apple, and more specifically on how they're eating it. See if you agree with this:
- Cubed Apples: If someone's eating cubed apples, such as in a fruit salad, I really have no hard feelings. Personally I wouldn't choose to eat an apple at all. I'm just not a fan. And to those of you thinking, "Well, you know what they say: An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Well guess what? So does a crowbar.
- Sliced Apples: If they are snacking on sliced apples, they either need to be a child, an especially health conscious person, or at home eating a lunch made by their mom. Any other situation is unacceptable.
- Whole Apples: Pretentious Douchebag. End of story. Don't ask me why, but when I see somebody eating an apple whole, I immediately hate them. And God help me if that person "cleans" the apple by wiping it on their shirt before they take a bite. In that case, I have been known to scream, "You are no better than me!" and throw a chair at them.
Today in History: June 21, 1893 was the premier of the 1st Ferris Wheel in Chicago.
Shout out to Ben, Meg, and Gray Bethard.
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