Monday, February 8, 2016

Coffee. Because crack is bad for you.

I had today off, so I decided to go to a coffee shop to get some work done.  Well, it turns out that the little drinks I was indulging in had 2 shots of espresso each, so besides talking to myself out loud and barely holding myself back from rap-battling anyone foolish enough to make eye contact, I came up with a list of improvements on modern track competitions:
-Long jump: The landing is made of quicksand.
-Discus: The opposing team must try to catch the disc.
-Shotput: Replace the shotput with flash bang grenades.
-100M Sprint:  Full contact is not only allowed, but encouraged.
-Hurdles:  All hurdles are wired with an electric current.
-The Mile:  Jungle cats are released on the last lap.
That's all I can remember for now because my mind is still doing its best impression of a machine gun and I'm having trouble keeping up.  

One nifty thing about the coffee shop I am currently residing in/holding hostage is the design of the place.  Besides being incredibly hipster (I know, who would've guessed a coffee shop would ever be hipster??), it incorporates a full bar, which is scientifically proven to make anything better.  The best part of this bar is that the wall rotates to hide the booze.  Or, as I like to think of it, the wall rotates to make alcohol appear out of thin air.  RIGHT?!  Would you like anything else with your latte?  Coffee cake?  A muffin?  SOME SECRET MOTHER-EFFING WALL WHISKEY???  I mean, walls are cool and everything, I love a good wall, but when that wall does half a 360 and offers me 12 different kinds of gin I might just shed a tear and propose to the architect.

I will admit, the people watching here is pretty fantastic though.  The majority of the populace, expectedly, is scarf-wrapped, fedora-donning, skinny-pant folk freshly returned from their underground barbershop/llama conservatory, but there is a nice sprinkling of variety as well.  For example, across the shop from me there is a pair of businessmen finishing up a nice chat, whose company I have to assume specializes in making suit pants that are way too fucking short.  On one side of them is student that will be dropping out later this semester, while on the other side sits a young man who's style is best described as "Did not expect to get out of the car."  America is fun.

As a non-caffeine drinker, I am learning a lot about myself and coffee today.  One of those things is that I feel like if I needed to, I could learn Mandarin before dinner.  Another tidbit is that eventually the caffeine wears off, and it doesn't do so gently.  I am currently in the midst of a catastrophic espresso crash and my brain and body feel like I just lost a game of Jumanji.  Hence, this is where I leave you.  Goodnight Tablets.

Fact of the Day:  A lethal dose of caffeine would require drinking roughly 100 cups of coffee.

Shout out to Molly Kitchens.

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