Fortunately I am strong and courageous enough to yield to nearly all temptations I come in contact with.
I was talking with a friend about luck and chance the other day, and the topic of being struck by lightening came up. As one or two of you know, I have a cousin that was struck by lightening a couple years back. I started thinking about it, and I decided that I would absolutely be willing to get struck by lightening as long as I got some kind of superpower from it. Actually, shit, I'd probably be down if I got a free t-shirt out of it. Think about it. "...then he came out of nowhere and stomped on my foot and broke it." "Yea? Well I took a 35,000-degree, 500 million volt blast of electricity and fire straight to my face. But seriously, is your foot okay?"
I've noticed something funny about people and relationships over the past couple months, and I've determined that the relationship between a man and a woman doesn't even come close to the intensity of a person and their phone or favorite television show. I've picked up on this because, over the past year, several shows have been benched or cancelled. For example, when a guy and his girlfriend break up, he gets sad, drinks with his friends, and slowly gets over it. However, when their favorite TV show is cancelled or they lose their phone, all different kinds of hell break loose. They spend weeks upon weeks sending hate mail to the producers or writing angry and pathetic Facebook posts, their friends pity them, and next thing you know they're taking longs drives, openly weeping and eating gallons of Ben & Jerry's ice cream while screaming Adele. Of course absolutely none of this is from experience........ probably.
While we're talking about couples, I've got another little nugget of knowledge I've picked up on over my wonderful time working in restaurants. Well it's more of a list, actually, but who are you to judge my terminology? I don't see you contributing to this blog at all. Consider yourself in time-out for the next twenty minutes. Anyway, here are several fairly consistent couples that come into the restaurants I've worked in:
1) Beauty and the Beast: In this is the couple the girl is absolutely gorgeous. Not hot, but beautiful. She looks innocent, healthy, and just all around pretty. On the other hand, the guy looks like some steroided-out version of a Donald Trump right after he came out of a horrible body-mangling gas explosion. I've never quite understood this pair, but they seem to be everywhere.
2) The Brother and Sister: Get your minds out of the gutter, these two aren't actually brother and sister. This is the pair that have been dating so long that they are actually starting to look like each other. It's really kind of eerie. However as far as temperament goes, these people are great.
3) The Male-Dominated Couple: This is the couple that will be in the restaurant for an hour and a half, and the girl will say less than eleven words. The guy has taken it upon himself to be the alpha male, which in his mind makes him responsible for all outward communication. He's very proud because he is ordering for the woman, and knows exactly what she wants. Unfortunately he is usually very wrong, but the girl just goes along with it.
4) The Female-Dominated Couple: This is a complicated one, because the girl has control over everything, but acts like she wants the guy to be in charge. For example, when asked what the couple wants to eat, the girl will widen her eyes at the guy, signaling him to order or ask a question about the food. When he does, the waiter responds, at which point the girl completely takes over the conversation with more questions and very specific demands. Usually this is the point in time where the guy starts attempting to signal for help to the waiter or surrounding tables.
5) The Movie Couple: This is my least favorite of all. This is the couple that truly believes they are in a movie. And not just any movie. They think they are in the happiest movie that has ever graced the human race. They immediately consider themselves best friends with every one of the staff, even though this is the first time they've ever freaking seen them. They are loud as HELL, with obnoxiously flamboyant laughter at shit that's not even remotely funny. It's infuriating. You have completely average lives, settle the fuck down. You literally make me hate happiness.
6) The God-Help-Humanity Couple: This “couple” is more of a category, and a category that though it varies greatly throughout, is generally terrifying overall. To sum it up, the last pair like this that came through looked like a Circus Ringmaster and a crack whore. I'm talking one in a full on whack-job suit and the other in an oversized dirty and saggy sweatshirt with suitcases under her eyes. The kind of group you try to avoid like the black plague with a bad personality.
Speaking of evil people, which we weren't, I now have a vendetta against one of my friends, who we'll call the Dreamcrusher. Now I don't know if this particular "friend" thought they were being nice, or if it would be just hilarious, but they decided it was necessary to wake me up by lighting a bacon scented candle near my bed. Well Dreamcrusher, you are an asshole. I don't know if you've ever known what it feels like to wake up in the most incredible mood, feeling like the world is in your hand and knowing happiness like never before, and then had it all ripped away from your in a chorus of the devil's laughter, but I have felt it. It’s life ruining, and it's your fault. Here's a tip for the future: If you ever wake me up like that again, you better have some goddamn bacon, or I will burn everything you've ever loved, and most of the things you've liked. Watch your back.
Fact of the Day: On average, there are 178 sesame seeds on each McDonald's Big Mac bun.
Shout out to Emily Caulfield.
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