In life there are terrible temptations, which require immense strength and courage to yield to.

Fortunately I am strong and courageous enough to yield to nearly all temptations I come in contact with.

I was talking with a friend about luck and chance the other day, and the topic of being struck by lightening came up.  As one or two of you know, I have a cousin that was struck by lightening a couple years back.  I started thinking about it, and I decided that I would absolutely be willing to get struck by lightening as long as I got some kind of superpower from it.  Actually, shit, I'd probably be down if I got a free t-shirt out of it.  Think about it.  "...then he came out of nowhere and stomped on my foot and broke it."  "Yea?  Well I took a 35,000-degree, 500 million volt blast of electricity and fire straight to my face.  But seriously, is your foot okay?"

I've noticed something funny about people and relationships over the past couple months, and I've determined that the relationship between a man and a woman doesn't even come close to the intensity of a person and their phone or favorite television show.  I've picked up on this because, over the past year, several shows have been benched or cancelled.  For example, when a guy and his girlfriend break up, he gets sad, drinks with his friends, and slowly gets over it.  However, when their favorite TV show is cancelled or they lose their phone, all different kinds of hell break loose.  They spend weeks upon weeks sending hate mail to the producers or writing angry and pathetic Facebook posts, their friends pity them, and next thing you know they're taking longs drives, openly weeping and eating gallons of Ben & Jerry's ice cream while screaming Adele.  Of course absolutely none of this is from experience........ probably.

While we're talking about couples, I've got another little nugget of knowledge I've picked up on over my wonderful time working in restaurants.  Well it's more of a list, actually, but who are you to judge my terminology?  I don't see you contributing to this blog at all.  Consider yourself in time-out for the next twenty minutes.  Anyway, here are several fairly consistent couples that come into the restaurants I've worked in:

1) Beauty and the Beast:  In this is the couple the girl is absolutely gorgeous.  Not hot, but beautiful.  She looks innocent, healthy, and just all around pretty.  On the other hand, the guy looks like some steroided-out version of a Donald Trump right after he came out of a horrible body-mangling gas explosion.  I've never quite understood this pair, but they seem to be everywhere.

2) The Brother and Sister:  Get your minds out of the gutter, these two aren't actually brother and sister.  This is the pair that have been dating so long that they are actually starting to look like each other.  It's really kind of eerie.  However as far as temperament goes, these people are great.

3) The Male-Dominated Couple:  This is the couple that will be in the restaurant for an hour and a half, and the girl will say less than eleven words.  The guy has taken it upon himself to be the alpha male, which in his mind makes him responsible for all outward communication.  He's very proud because he is ordering for the woman, and knows exactly what she wants.  Unfortunately he is usually very wrong, but the girl just goes along with it.

4) The Female-Dominated Couple:  This is a complicated one, because the girl has control over everything, but acts like she wants the guy to be in charge.  For example, when asked what the couple wants to eat, the girl will widen her eyes at the guy, signaling him to order or ask a question about the food.  When he does, the waiter responds, at which point the girl completely takes over the conversation with more questions and very specific demands.  Usually this is the point in time where the guy starts attempting to signal for help to the waiter or surrounding tables.

5) The Movie Couple:  This is my least favorite of all.  This is the couple that truly believes they are in a movie.  And not just any movie.  They think they are in the happiest movie that has ever graced the human race.  They immediately consider themselves best friends with every one of the staff, even though this is the first time they've ever freaking seen them.  They are loud as HELL, with obnoxiously flamboyant laughter at shit that's not even remotely funny.  It's infuriating.  You have completely average lives, settle the fuck down.  You literally make me hate happiness.

6) The God-Help-Humanity Couple:  This “couple” is more of a category, and a category that though it varies greatly throughout, is generally terrifying overall.  To sum it up, the last pair like this that came through looked like a Circus Ringmaster and a crack whore.  I'm talking one in a full on whack-job suit and the other in an oversized dirty and saggy sweatshirt with suitcases under her eyes.  The kind of group you try to avoid like the black plague with a bad personality.

Speaking of evil people, which we weren't, I now have a vendetta against one of my friends, who we'll call the Dreamcrusher.  Now I don't know if this particular "friend" thought they were being nice, or if it would be just hilarious, but they decided it was necessary to wake me up by lighting a bacon scented candle near my bed.  Well Dreamcrusher, you are an asshole.  I don't know if you've ever known what it feels like to wake up in the most incredible mood, feeling like the world is in your hand and knowing happiness like never before, and then had it all ripped away from your in a chorus of the devil's laughter, but I have felt it.  It’s life ruining, and it's your fault.  Here's a tip for the future:  If you ever wake me up like that again, you better have some goddamn bacon, or I will burn everything you've ever loved, and most of the things you've liked.  Watch your back.

Fact of the Day:  On average, there are 178 sesame seeds on each McDonald's Big Mac bun.

Shout out to Emily Caulfield.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I think it could suck a little less and we'd still all be fine, but I'm no scientist.

Seeing as my summer just officially began, I've decided to devote this blog to summer.  You're welcome, Summer.  Don't let it go to your head.

To start, I've made a small list to help guide you through the summer.  I call it: "Tips for the Summer".  Yes, I know it's astoundingly creative, but the title isn't important, the tips are.  Let's begin:

1) Rope swings are dangerous and usually illegal.

2) Alcohol and water sports do not mix.

3) Always bring shoes and a shirt.

4) Sunscreen is never a bad idea.

5) Cliff diving in unknown territory is always a bad idea.

Okay actually I'm just gonna stop there.  To be honest, I follow literally none of those rules.  That is the Pansy-Bitch List.  Here are the rules I live by in the summer:

1) Rope swings are awesome.

2) Drink light beer.  Unless of course you want to look like a slightly more red version of the Michelin man by the end of summer.  Drinking in the sun burns skin, not calories.  Nobody's gonna rag on you for not drinking a Guinness when it's 112 degrees.

3) Standby flights will increase your number of trips significantly.

4) Standby flights will increase your number of hours spent in an airport by an unimaginable number.

5) Skin cancer is for nancies.

6) There is an incredible difference between shell beaches and sand beaches.  Always go with the latter if possible.

7) If there's a camera, it's worth it.  Always.  No questions asked.

Overt the past couple weeks, I've been fortunate enough to be able to vacation to a friend's lake house up in North Carolina.  I went with the owner and a group of coworkers, and to be honest, when we are together we manage to transform into the most immature, irrational, unsafe group of people this side of the Prime Meridian.  Anyway, I've also composed a list of tips and notes that I've learned from these two trips, and here it is:

1) Take nothing valuable if you ever want to see it again.

2) No matter how mature you think your friends are, you are wrong. 

3) Men can giggle, loudly and frequently, and it is exactly as disturbing as it sounds.

4) Floating docks, while fun, are a recipe for disaster.

5) Never assume that anybody is on the same page when it comes to immediate plans.

6) Any liquid at all, if opened, is assumed to be at least partially alcoholic.

7) Whatever groceries you bought, go back and buy double.

8) Sunburns are a bonding experience.

9) The possibility of lightening should never stop you from being out on a wet wooden dock during a rainstorm.  At the very worst, you'll get a good story out of it.

10) Go ahead and accept that whatever regularity your sleep schedule had previously is completely out the window.

11) There is no dancing on the tables and chandeliers.  They're selling the house next week.

12) Two fully-grown guys fitting on a single kayak meant for a child is absolutely doable.  That does not in any way mean it is a graceful or even remotely efficient means of travel.

13) If you can't do a flip, just flail.

14) Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you EVER stand up on a canoe and assume that your friends are decent enough not to immediately push you over.

Okay that's enough of the lists.

You what I don't understand, besides vegetarianism and people who voluntary purchase satellite television?  People who wear pants in the summer.  It's been over 100 degrees in Atlanta for the past two weeks, and there are still a plethora of idiots wearing pants everyday.  I just don't get it.  Are you impervious to temperature?  Are you hiding something?  WHAT ARE YOU HIDING??  Do you have a human tail?  As far as I'm concerned, if you have anything short of a tattoo of Barbie riding a bright orange beluga whale, you shouldn't be wearing leg sleeves after April.  Get it together.

Fact of the Day:  Bubble wrap was originally invented to be used as wallpaper.

Shout out to Dylan Vanderhoff.