For Thanksgiving this year I did a lot of traveling and a lot of eating. It all started when I picked up my friend from the Nashville airport. (I live in Atlanta by the way, and does he pick the airport seven minutes from my house? Noooooo, instead he chooses the airport a solid four hours away.) Anyway, after a nice little eight-hour joyride we kicked off the break with Zaxby's, as everyone should. To continue the greatness, the next day we went and ate at a place in Atlanta called The Varsity, or "The V" for you people who don't like calling things by their God-given name. Anyway, for those of you that don't know, the Varsity is a semi-famous fast food joint in Atlanta that serves stereotypical fast food. By that of course I mean burger, hot dogs, fries, onion rings, etc. However, there are two things that separate the Varsity from other fast food establishments. First, the workers there don't hate their jobs, they hate YOU. They are famous for their catchphrase "Whatllyahave"(one word) which is usually delivered as loud as humanly possible when you're still ten feet from the register and have absolutely no idea what you’re going to order. Secondly, saying that the Varsity is unhealthy is kind of like saying Bill Gates has a couple bucks. To clarify, I’m saying that the Varsity has more grease per square inch than an actual grease factory. (Side Note: I'm not actually sure there is such a thing as a "grease factory" but just go with it.) And of course that means one thing and one thing only: The food is INCREDIBLE. Now obviously after a couple cheeseburgers and some onion rings you cannot move for roughly half an hour, but that forces you to sit and bond with your eating partner, so technically everybody wins. Anyway, after the Nashville jerk left for Alabama (wanted to "spend it with his girlfriend" or some bullshit), I then flew to Dallas where I proceeded to have the stereotypical Thanksgiving dinner of Turkey......and shrimp and scallops and pheasant and quail and crab cakes. Also, all of those were deep-fried. Yes, I realize I have about four years to live and I'm okay with that. On my tombstone, I want my epitaph to read: "Tab Hirschey: Ate like a champ, and never even tasted tofu." Or something along those lines. Okay, we need to pause for a second. To be completely honest, I started writing this paragraph fully intending to talk about shampoo. That should show you how my mind works. Evidently my mind thought it prudent to take me in another direction, so instead of spending another eight to ten lines trying to turn this back around to the originally intended topic, I'm just going to start talking about shampoo now. Ready? Go. Why the hell isn't all shampoo tear free? Why only kid's shampoo? Do they just get to a point where they're sitting in a conference room and they say, "Fuck it, they're adults, they can handle it." I mean it's not like I wash my eyes with shampoo every morning, but it seems like an extremely simple precaution to prevent very unnecessary pain.
There's nothing like turning on your heater for the first time of the season and getting that "Holy-shit-my-house-is-burning-to-the-ground" smell. Gotta love winter.
Recently I had chili for dinner, and because I'm a fidgety person, I have to have something to dip in it. I chose Frito's, because I'm a slave to my family's traditions and have very little free will. Now just so you know, chips are a very important snack to me, and I judge myself on which chips I like and dislike. Doritos, for example, are God's gift to the snack industry. I have had every kind of them, and I will stand behind them fully, at least until they go insane and try to pull that bullshit that Lays pulled and start making Dill Pickle and Toe Jam flavored "snacks". And don’t even get me started on the plain Lays. They’re basically oversized pieces of dandruff. When it comes to Frito's though, I have always turned them down unless eating chili. Why? Because they're a tasteless, corn-made, old-people chip. No young people, at least none that matter, are presented with a wall of chips and choose Frito's. When you’re really young you go with Funyuns (or if your parents are picking for you, Pringles). As you age, you then progress to Cheetos, then Doritos, with momentary lapses back for Flamin Hot Cheetos. After that, I just assumed the natural route was to gravitate towards Ruffles until an ultimate demise to Frito's. So about a week ago I had leftover Frito's after my chili escapade. I was boredom eating, which for those of you new to the game is when you’re not even remotely hungry, but you are bored, and therefore gain the ability to eat every single item in your kitchen without getting full. Anyway, it came down to me and the Frito's. I should have known better, but I was in a boredom-induced state and thus I wasn’t thinking straight. Then disaster hit. Not only did I eat them, I LIKED THEM. It was a devastating blow. I couldn't sleep that night, all I could think about was my 401k and how the next thing I know I'll be driving under the minimum speed limit and handing out Werther's originals*. I don't think I'll ever recover.
*Did you know that some people actually consider Werther’s Originals candy? Granted, most of them are senile, but still, candy?? Get your head out of your ass Gramps, talk to me when you’ve dipped your solid bar of sugar into more different flavored sugar. Fun Dip for life.
I realize this is what is now referred to as a "first world problem", but sleeping on a bead made of any kind of feathers is essentially involuntary acupuncture.
Nation, as you know, I like to rank things. Things I hate, things I love, things that are funny, and things that I think should be wrapped in barbed wire and dropped in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean [cough, Snooki]. Well, I have another bunch o’ rankings: Meats. This is a new system, however, one that I've adapted from someone else whom I will not name for fear of litigation. It is a system of ranking meats by the clothing they relate to. (I promise it’s not as gay as it sounds.) For example, here are the first few I've come up with: Steak, obviously, is the tuxedo of meat. Ground beef would be camo jacket, and turkey is the maternity wear. Bologna, oh bologna, is that dirty shirt with holes you've had for a decade and just can't bring yourself to throw away. And as much as I hate to admit it, Bacon is the Snuggie. The only reason I say this is because Bacon, like the Snuggie, makes you look terrible but it just feels so right.
Fact of the Day: Peanuts are one of the initial ingredients of nitroglycerin, and thus dynamite.
Shout out to Brian Laughlin.
Bacon is also like a snuggie because you can wrap just about anything in bacon!!
ReplyDeleteThat is so true. Team Bacon for life.
ReplyDelete