Cholesterol is just a fancy word for flavor.

And boy do I love flavor.  And cholesterol. 

I call this blog the Bipolar Blog, because it basically consists of only rants about thing I hate, ballads about things I love, and combinations of the two.  Read it and weep.  (Just make sure it’s not on your keyboard.  That would ruin your computer.)

While we’re on the topic of emotions, I've discovered it's very hard to be sad or angry when you're eating Starburst or Swedish Fish.  I think it may have something to do with the fact that they get stuck to your teeth and your first defense is to start chewing by opening your mouth as wide as humanly possibly in an attempt to get your teeth out of that deliciously exhausting trap of fruity goodness.  Either way I wish I had had some on that cursed drive to South Carolina.

Readers, we have officially reached winter.  We have passed Halloween, and are now in Thanksgiving territory, or as I like to call it, Turkeytory.  That means several things.  First, getting out of the shower is now the hardest part of the day by far.  No contest.  Second, now is the time when you start seeing wart-covered, ugly colored gourds in those weird little horned baskets.  I have no idea how that became a thing, but I don't support it at all.  However, Thanksgiving is very near, and I couldn't be happier.  There are very few things in this world that I know and love like food.  I love food so much, and eat enough that I could be a scientist on the matter.  As a scientist, I can confidently say that Thanksgiving food is the best seasonal food ever (besides crawfish).  Between huge fried turkeys, countless pies, and enough stuffing to build a life size replica of John Madden, Thanksgiving might be the best day of the year.

With my feelings on Thanksgiving now being out in the open, I’d just like to take a second to ridicule a friend that hates this most wondrous of holidays.  You know who you are.  I just want you to know that I disagree with everything that you represent.  For the week of Thanksgiving, I will despise you on a cellular level.  Honestly, who hates Thanksgiving??  It’s an excuse to hang out with friends, tell them you're thankful for them without sounding like a pansy-shit, and eat the hell out of some awesome food.  Some people just hate great things for no reason, and all I'm saying is that some people just need a hug........around the neck..........with a rope.

Speaking of hate, here’s another thing I dislike:  Cold.  Obviously I hate “colds” like the sickness, but I also dislike what I call “useless cold”.  Useless cold is when it’s just freezing outside and nothings comes from it.  There’s no snow, nothing’s cancelled, and it’s roughly as frigid as the hole where Donald Trump’s soul used to be.  Don’t get me wrong, Colorado, Utah, y’all are doing it right.  But Georgia?  Honestly?  It’s cold as shit and windy, not a single snowflake, and it just ruins my day.  That’s why I support Global Warming.  If Global Warming means 65-degree winters, I’m going to buy a couple Hummers and let that shit idle in the driveway for the next 10 years.  Send that carbon emission straight to the atmosphere.  Screw the polar ice caps.  When’s the last time you visited Antarctica?  When’s the last time anybody visited Antarctica??  The only things I care about in that area are penguins, and I’ve got some of those in the Atlanta Zoo, so I’m covered.  As far as I’m concerned, I’ll take the occasional typhoon if it means I can feel my fingers in December. 

You know what I hate?  Getting old.  Well not necessarily getting old as much as getting “oldish”.  By that of course I mean, losing my childishness.  In no way am I saying that I am not childish anymore, because that would be a boldfaced lie, but I am starting to lose some of my childish powers.  For example, vanilla ice cream actually tastes good to me.  That may not mean anything to you, but personally this is a huge blow.  Gone are the times when I would eat mint chocolate chip ice cream with chocolate chips and a solid pint of chocolate syrup, washed down with a quart of chocolate milk.  Now it’s vanilla.  A single bowl of vanilla.  I’m dying inside.

Fact of the Day:  The US spent $277,000 on pickle research in 1993.

Shout out to Andrew Medearis.