I had today off, so I decided to go to a coffee
shop to get some work done. Well, it turns out that the little drinks I
was indulging in had 2 shots of espresso each, so besides talking to myself out
loud and barely holding myself back from rap-battling anyone foolish enough to
make eye contact, I came up with a list of improvements on modern track
competitions:
-Long jump: The landing is made of quicksand.
-Discus: The opposing team must try to catch the
disc.
-Shotput: Replace the shotput with flash bang
grenades.
-100M Sprint:
Full contact is not only allowed, but encouraged.
-Hurdles:
All hurdles are wired with an electric current.
-The Mile: Jungle cats are released on the
last lap.
That's all I can remember for now because my mind
is still doing its best impression of a machine gun and I'm having trouble
keeping up.
One nifty thing about the coffee shop I am
currently residing in/holding hostage is the design of the place. Besides
being incredibly hipster (I know, who would've guessed a coffee shop would
ever be hipster??), it incorporates a full bar, which is scientifically proven
to make anything better. The best part of this bar is that the wall
rotates to hide the booze. Or, as I like to think of it, the wall rotates
to make alcohol appear out of thin air. RIGHT?! Would you
like anything else with your latte? Coffee cake? A muffin?
SOME SECRET MOTHER-EFFING WALL WHISKEY??? I mean, walls are cool
and everything, I love a good wall, but when that wall does half a 360 and
offers me 12 different kinds of gin I might just shed a tear and propose to the
architect.
I will admit, the people watching here is pretty
fantastic though. The majority of the populace, expectedly, is
scarf-wrapped, fedora-donning, skinny-pant folk freshly returned from their
underground barbershop/llama conservatory, but there is a nice sprinkling of
variety as well. For example, across the shop from me there is a pair of
businessmen finishing up a nice chat, whose company I have to assume
specializes in making suit pants that are way too fucking short. On one
side of them is student that will be dropping out later this semester, while on
the other side sits a young man who's style is best described as "Did not
expect to get out of the car." America is fun.
As a non-caffeine drinker, I am learning a lot
about myself and coffee today. One of those things is that I feel like if
I needed to, I could learn Mandarin before dinner. Another tidbit is that
eventually the caffeine wears off, and it doesn't do so gently. I am
currently in the midst of a catastrophic espresso crash and my brain and body
feel like I just lost a game of Jumanji. Hence, this is where I leave
you. Goodnight Tablets.
Fact of the Day: A lethal dose of caffeine
would require drinking roughly 100 cups of coffee.
Shout out to Molly Kitchens.
