As I'm sure you all know, I live a very hard life and am constantly plagued with intense life or death decisions, such as Chickfila or Zaxby's, Sierra Nevada or Flying Dog, and Ranch or BBQ Sauce.* My most recent dilemma can be solely attributed to social media. My blog frequency has decreased, as I'm sure you have noticed during your hourly checks, and I completely blame this on Twitter. I struggle daily with whether to tweet my random thoughts or save my genius for a blog, and recently Twitter has been winning out. I'd like to apologize because I know how much pain this is putting you through. Please do not harm yourself.
*Answers: Zaxby's, Sierra Nevada, and Ranch.
So winter break is over. (Side note: All of you with 2 month winter breaks that don't go back for another 2 weeks can go swallow a sword.) Now that we're all back in the swing of things, let's talk about our travel. To get started, I'm going to go ahead and officially say that I win. I did a lot of bouncing around this break, including 7 cities in 5 states, 5 flights, and a little over 30 hours of road tripping. In short, I am better than you. And coincidentally, I am also in far more debt. It was fun though, and I got to do a lot of people watching. However, I discovered something during part of my travel, and that's how much it sucks to be the one being people-watched. On Christmas day I woke up and drove from Macon to Atlanta, then flew to Dallas. (That’s Georgia to Texas for the geographically challenged readers.) Now there aren't a lot of people that travel on Xmas, but out of all the people that did travel, every single one of them had a family member, significant other, or travel buddy with them. It didn't even faze me at first. As I watched the passers by I realized everyone looked sad. It was pretty depressing. However it wasn't nearly as depressing as when I realized that they weren't just sad, they were looking sadly at me. These people were pitying me, and it was excruciating. In their minds, no one loved me, I was completely alone, and the airport janitorial staff was the closest thing I had to family. But you can't blame them, can you? What sad, pitiful sap travels alone on Christmas? I'll tell you who: THIS FUCKING GUY. Don't judge me, you don't even know me. I'm traveling to see even more of my family, and then friends all across the country. I get the most out of my Christmas, so you can suck it. However, as much as I wanted to I couldn't yell expletives, accusations, and insults, so I resorted to throwing lightly salted, honey roasted peanuts at the strangers and taking their picture when they looked at me. I think we all know who really won.
Another thing I learned over the break is that my mother is subtly trying to kill me. You heard me, Birthgiver, I'm on to you. At first I was in denial, but now the signs are too blatant to ignore. For example, the last time I went home, there were no Pizza Rolls in the freezer. NO PIZZA ROLLS. Clearly the woman is trying to starve me. And then I found out she redecorated my bathroom when I went to college. My first thought was, "Okay, that's normal. A bunch of parents do that when their kids fly the coop. I don't technically live there anymore, so she's free to do whatever she wants." I went home, and I have to admit it looked nice. Little did I know it was a death trap. The shower curtain is some new evil concept curtain that waits til you're comfortable in the shower, mid-shampoo, and then flings itself in your direction in an obvious attempt to suffocate you. And the light fixture.... oh the light fixture. Floating above the sink, illuminating the whole bathroom in a homely glow. A glorious touch to the room's aura, or a malevolent concussion machine? I'll give you a hint, it's the second one. It hangs a solid 8 inches below the top of my head, blocking my view, and trying its absolute best to bash my head in every time I lean down to brush my teeth. And it's getting very good at it. I feel like I live in a slightly toned down episode of SAW IV.
I think Doritos are one of the greatest things ever.
During the break I drove up to Chicago to pick up my current roommate and all of his possessions. We stayed with two of his friends, and like honorable guests we stayed on our computers nearly 100% of the time we were at their house. At some point I came across an online quiz of company slogans, and it was enlightening to say the least. My absolute favorite was Google's slogan: "Don't be evil." It made me think two things: First, I've got to take down Google if I ever want to rule the world, and second, what other companies have cool slogans? So after spending and embarrassing amount of time researching this question on the Internet machine, here are my opinions on certain companies' slogans:
Company > Slogan > My Opinion
Guinness (2000): "Guinness is good for you." Okay Guinness, let's chat. I find a couple problems with this slogan, namely that is absolutely wrong. Yes, certain ingredients used in the brewing of your beer may be good for you, and you may feel good while drinking Guinness, but in no way does that mean the beer itself is good for you. That's like saying that because peanuts are appetizing, dynamite itself must also be tasty. (Peanuts are an active ingredient in dynamite.) I appreciate the effort, but let's stick to something that isn't clearly a lie. Also, who is honestly going to believe that? We aren’t working with toddlers here, and even if we were, shame on you for trying to get toddlers drunk. BOYCOTT GUINNESS, THEY’RE TODDLER KILLERS.
7-Eleven: "Oh thank Heaven." To be honest, I love it. Why? Because when you walk into a 7-Eleven on a hot summer day and take a nice big gulp of your own personal Slurpee concoction, that slogan is exactly what goes through your mind. Seriously though, think about the last time you when into a McDonald's. At what point were you thinking "I'm lovin' it"? I'll tell you when: Never. After the first few bites you're thinking something along the lines of "WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF??" or "Sweet zombie Jesus this feels like edible suicide..." Not 7-Eleven though. No sir. Thank Heaven indeed for the infinite number of Slurpee possibilities and seemingly endless array of snacking options.
Heineken (2000): "Heineken refreshes the parts other beers cannot reach." Stop it, Heineken. I don't feel thirsty, I feel violated.
Visa: "It's everywhere you want to be." ...........God?
Folgers: "The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup." False. The best part of waking up is realizing you have another hour to sleep. Aside from that, it is a very catchy jingle that you're now singing in your head. You're welcome.
Energizer: "Nothing outlasts an Energizer." You gotta hand it to them, that slogan just kept going and going and going and going.....
Sarah Lee: "Nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee." Also, nobody likes double negatives. Are you trying to confuse us into buying your bread?
Okay so I could do that for a very long time, so I'm just gonna cut myself off there. You get the idea though. There are a lot of good slogans, but there are even more very very shitty slogans. Just goes to show........ something.
Fact of the Day: Domestic pigs average a top speed of about 11 miles per hour.
Shout out to Sarah Mellema.
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