Knowledge is power and power corrupts, so study hard and be evil.

Words to live by.

To my loyal audience, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and [everything else].  I apologize for how infrequently I've been posting blogs.  I do have an excuse though.  As I'm sure you know, schools just got out for Christmas break, which means that a few weeks ago was final exam week.  This is my least favorite week of the year to be online.  This is the week that 99% of all facebook statuses/tweets are one of the following:

1)  Stereotypical whining about how exams are going to kill them.

2)  "__ down, __ to go"

3)  "Finished!"  (etc)

4)  A statement about how good their grades are/how amazingly awesome they are as a person

It drives me crazy.  Especially the last group.  Here's a clue:  Nobody except you and your parents give a flying shit about how smart you are.  And your parents only care because they want you out of college.  Cynical?  Maybe.  But I stay off the Internet machine until most of that is over with.

While I'm ranting about online antics, I wish there was a way to block certain statuses on facebook or certain tweets on twitter, etc.  It's not that I want to block the people, but there are specific phrases or words that compromise the integrity of whatever else is said.  For example, can we all just go ahead and agree that "lol" is the worst addition to the English language that was ever created?  I wish it was a person so I could punch it in the kidney.  In my opinion it should be banned from use for the rest of eternity.  First off, it's not even a real word, it's an abbreviation, and an idiotic sounding one at that.  Secondly, it's a lie.  I am overwhelmingly confident in my assumption that at least 99.995% of the times that "lol" is used, the person is not in fact "laughing out loud."  How are we supposed to raise an honest generation of children when this common lie is so easily overlooked and acceptable?  It's ruining our future.  Lastly, and this is what bugs be most, is the fact that it is most often used as some sort of an anti-liability measure.  By that I mean that people throw it in at the very end of a statement that they are not completely confident saying, as a last ditch effort of defense against people that would make fun of them for the statement.  For example, "So pumped for the new Twilight movie lol."  Come on, man.  If you're gonna say something, at least own up to it.  Don't go in half-hearted, you just look like a bitch.  And trust me, we already lost all respect for you when you even mentioned Twilight, don't make it worse by trying to act like you were kidding.  It's just sad.

I don't know about you, but when my phone has a low battery in the morning and I make it last the whole day, I feel like I just survived 40 days in the desert solely based on my superior rationing skills.

If any of you are like me, then you often get bored in the middle of conversations.  Most people would change the subject or just leave.  My hobby is subtly trying to make the situation awkward.  And subtly is the keyword here.  For example, from experience I discovered that if at any point the topic of eye contact arises, the entire rest of that conversation is essentially useless because all parties are now so concerned with their own level of eye contact that they cannot actually process anything that is being said.  It's wonderful.  Seriously, try it.  The instant that it comes up, watch the other person's mannerisms.  They don't want to look away too often because now they think you're judging them for not showing respect, and they compensate by staring wide-eyed at you like they're trying to see into your soul.  Then they realize what they're doing and try to calmly glance away every now and then until their ultimate demise at which point they bail on the conversation with an incredibly pitiful excuse and flee the scene.  It's just great.

I know Christmas is over and that kind of sucks, but at the same time I am SO HAPPY because that means that I have around 340 days until I have to hear Christmas music again.  Call me Scrooge, but some of those Christmas song renditions are the worst excuse for "music" I've ever heard in my life.  And it doesn't help that there are only about 20 songs total to choose from.  This year I heard a version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" that made me want to take an ice pick to my ear drums.  I think it was a girl singing but there was no real way to be sure, as the voice sounded like a drunken child with no professional vocal training, and a blender full of screws in the background.  It was miserable.

Nation, I've decided to compile a few lists for you concerning the holidays.  The first of them pertains to shopping and returning gifts.  I have personal experience with this because work at a large retail store which will go unnamed for fear of possible litigation.  I call this first list "Tips on How Not to be an Asshole During the Holidays":

1) Don't get irrational frustrated with the cashier.  It was your family member that put the wrong gift receipt in with your present, not the cashier's.  And it's not the cashier's fault that your aunt got you a pair of extra small, gold-plated Crocs for Christmas instead of the [insert literally anything else].  Just be patient, because chances are that cashier has dealt with roughly 11,002 other people with the exact same problem that probably also had a stocking shoved up their ass.  And usually if you're nice,  they might just say Screw it and give a full refund anyway.

2) If you're going into an electronics store to complain/get something fixed/ask a question, please don't act like you know what you're talking about.  If they ask you a question, answer it honestly, but don't hesitate to say you have absolutely no fucking clue what they're talking about.  Trust me, they've seen worse.  Namely the old people who were the rocket scientists of their day, but somehow can't figure out how to set an iPhone to vibrate.  But from the other day, I can personally attest to how amazingly moronic you sound when you interrupt the specialist trying to act like you are Steve Jobs reincarnated.

I know there's more to that list, but that's all I can remember for now.  Moving on, I'm always entertained with the "Top 10 _____s of the Year" lists, so I figured I'd come up with a couple of my own.  After this first one I got bored and gave up, but here it is:

Top 10 Letdowns of 2011:

- The Rapture in May:  I really thought the end of the world would be more....world-ending.

- The McRib:  Honestly, I should have seen this one coming.

- Winter:  When I think winter I think snow, not 70 degrees and humid.

- The Office:  Michael Scott is gone.  Just give up.

- Turning 22:  Congrats, you're just old enough that your birthday isn't really a big deal anymore, and you've got another 25 years til it's even remotely special again.

- All football but the SEC:  Have fun in third place, rest of the country.

- Still No Hovercars:  Those advertisers back in the 60's were full of shit.  The best we've got are hybrids, and those just piss me off.

- High Cholesterol:  Great.  Just great.

- The Indianapolis Colts:  Self Explanatory.

- Occupy Wall Street:  I've always wanted to get thousands of people to go on a camping trip at the same time, but I never thought there'd be this much complaining....

Word of the Day: "Snirt"- A Minnesotan word for the mixture of snow and dirt on the side of the road.

Shout out to Erin Donahoe.

Only in a math problem can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

For Thanksgiving this year I did a lot of traveling and a lot of eating.  It all started when I picked up my friend from the Nashville airport.  (I live in Atlanta by the way, and does he pick the airport seven minutes from my house? Noooooo, instead he chooses the airport a solid four hours away.)  Anyway, after a nice little eight-hour joyride we kicked off the break with Zaxby's, as everyone should.  To continue the greatness, the next day we went and ate at a place in Atlanta called The Varsity, or "The V" for you people who don't like calling things by their God-given name.  Anyway, for those of you that don't know, the Varsity is a semi-famous fast food joint in Atlanta that serves stereotypical fast food.  By that of course I mean burger, hot dogs, fries, onion rings, etc.  However, there are two things that separate the Varsity from other fast food establishments.  First, the workers there don't hate their jobs, they hate YOU.  They are famous for their catchphrase "Whatllyahave"(one word) which is usually delivered as loud as humanly possible when you're still ten feet from the register and have absolutely no idea what you’re going to order.  Secondly, saying that the Varsity is unhealthy is kind of like saying Bill Gates has a couple bucks.  To clarify, I’m saying that the Varsity has more grease per square inch than an actual grease factory.  (Side Note: I'm not actually sure there is such a thing as a "grease factory" but just go with it.)  And of course that means one thing and one thing only:  The food is INCREDIBLE.  Now obviously after a couple cheeseburgers and some onion rings you cannot move for roughly half an hour, but that forces you to sit and bond with your eating partner, so technically everybody wins.  Anyway, after the Nashville jerk left for Alabama (wanted to "spend it with his girlfriend" or some bullshit), I then flew to Dallas where I proceeded to have the stereotypical Thanksgiving dinner of Turkey......and shrimp and scallops and pheasant and quail and crab cakes.  Also, all of those were deep-fried.  Yes, I realize I have about four years to live and I'm okay with that.  On my tombstone, I want my epitaph to read:  "Tab Hirschey: Ate like a champ, and never even tasted tofu."  Or something along those lines.  Okay, we need to pause for a second.  To be completely honest, I started writing this paragraph fully intending to talk about shampoo.  That should show you how my mind works.  Evidently my mind thought it prudent to take me in another direction, so instead of spending another eight to ten lines trying to turn this back around to the originally intended topic, I'm just going to start talking about shampoo now.  Ready?  Go.  Why the hell isn't all shampoo tear free?  Why only kid's shampoo?  Do they just get to a point where they're sitting in a conference room and they say, "Fuck it, they're adults, they can handle it."  I mean it's not like I wash my eyes with shampoo every morning, but it seems like an extremely simple precaution to prevent very unnecessary pain.

There's nothing like turning on your heater for the first time of the season and getting that "Holy-shit-my-house-is-burning-to-the-ground" smell.  Gotta love winter.

Recently I had chili for dinner, and because I'm a fidgety person, I have to have something to dip in it.  I chose Frito's, because I'm a slave to my family's traditions and have very little free will.  Now just so you know, chips are a very important snack to me, and I judge myself on which chips I like and dislike.  Doritos, for example, are God's gift to the snack industry.  I have had every kind of them, and I will stand behind them fully, at least until they go insane and try to pull that bullshit that Lays pulled and start making Dill Pickle and Toe Jam flavored "snacks".  And don’t even get me started on the plain Lays.  They’re basically oversized pieces of dandruff.  When it comes to Frito's though, I have always turned them down unless eating chili.  Why?  Because they're a tasteless, corn-made, old-people chip.  No young people, at least none that matter, are presented with a wall of chips and choose Frito's.  When you’re really young you go with Funyuns (or if your parents are picking for you, Pringles).  As you age, you then progress to Cheetos, then Doritos, with momentary lapses back for Flamin Hot Cheetos.  After that, I just assumed the natural route was to gravitate towards Ruffles until an ultimate demise to Frito's.  So about a week ago I had leftover Frito's after my chili escapade.  I was boredom eating, which for those of you new to the game is when you’re not even remotely hungry, but you are bored, and therefore gain the ability to eat every single item in your kitchen without getting full.  Anyway, it came down to me and the Frito's.  I should have known better, but I was in a boredom-induced state and thus I wasn’t thinking straight.  Then disaster hit.  Not only did I eat them, I LIKED THEM.  It was a devastating blow.  I couldn't sleep that night, all I could think about was my 401k and how the next thing I know I'll be driving under the minimum speed limit and handing out Werther's originals*.  I don't think I'll ever recover.

*Did you know that some people actually consider Werther’s Originals candy?  Granted, most of them are senile, but still, candy??  Get your head out of your ass Gramps, talk to me when you’ve dipped your solid bar of sugar into more different flavored sugar.  Fun Dip for life.

I realize this is what is now referred to as a "first world problem", but sleeping on a bead made of any kind of feathers is essentially involuntary acupuncture.

Nation, as you know, I like to rank things.  Things I hate, things I love, things that are funny, and things that I think should be wrapped in barbed wire and dropped in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean [cough, Snooki].  Well, I have another bunch o’ rankings:  Meats.  This is a new system, however, one that I've adapted from someone else whom I will not name for fear of litigation.  It is a system of ranking meats by the clothing they relate to.  (I promise it’s not as gay as it sounds.)  For example, here are the first few I've come up with:  Steak, obviously, is the tuxedo of meat.  Ground beef would be camo jacket, and turkey is the maternity wear.  Bologna, oh bologna, is that dirty shirt with holes you've had for a decade and just can't bring yourself to throw away.  And as much as I hate to admit it, Bacon is the Snuggie.  The only reason I say this is because Bacon, like the Snuggie, makes you look terrible but it just feels so right.

Fact of the Day:  Peanuts are one of the initial ingredients of nitroglycerin, and thus dynamite.

Shout out to Brian Laughlin.