Cholesterol is just a fancy word for flavor.

And boy do I love flavor.  And cholesterol. 

I call this blog the Bipolar Blog, because it basically consists of only rants about thing I hate, ballads about things I love, and combinations of the two.  Read it and weep.  (Just make sure it’s not on your keyboard.  That would ruin your computer.)

While we’re on the topic of emotions, I've discovered it's very hard to be sad or angry when you're eating Starburst or Swedish Fish.  I think it may have something to do with the fact that they get stuck to your teeth and your first defense is to start chewing by opening your mouth as wide as humanly possibly in an attempt to get your teeth out of that deliciously exhausting trap of fruity goodness.  Either way I wish I had had some on that cursed drive to South Carolina.

Readers, we have officially reached winter.  We have passed Halloween, and are now in Thanksgiving territory, or as I like to call it, Turkeytory.  That means several things.  First, getting out of the shower is now the hardest part of the day by far.  No contest.  Second, now is the time when you start seeing wart-covered, ugly colored gourds in those weird little horned baskets.  I have no idea how that became a thing, but I don't support it at all.  However, Thanksgiving is very near, and I couldn't be happier.  There are very few things in this world that I know and love like food.  I love food so much, and eat enough that I could be a scientist on the matter.  As a scientist, I can confidently say that Thanksgiving food is the best seasonal food ever (besides crawfish).  Between huge fried turkeys, countless pies, and enough stuffing to build a life size replica of John Madden, Thanksgiving might be the best day of the year.

With my feelings on Thanksgiving now being out in the open, I’d just like to take a second to ridicule a friend that hates this most wondrous of holidays.  You know who you are.  I just want you to know that I disagree with everything that you represent.  For the week of Thanksgiving, I will despise you on a cellular level.  Honestly, who hates Thanksgiving??  It’s an excuse to hang out with friends, tell them you're thankful for them without sounding like a pansy-shit, and eat the hell out of some awesome food.  Some people just hate great things for no reason, and all I'm saying is that some people just need a hug........around the neck..........with a rope.

Speaking of hate, here’s another thing I dislike:  Cold.  Obviously I hate “colds” like the sickness, but I also dislike what I call “useless cold”.  Useless cold is when it’s just freezing outside and nothings comes from it.  There’s no snow, nothing’s cancelled, and it’s roughly as frigid as the hole where Donald Trump’s soul used to be.  Don’t get me wrong, Colorado, Utah, y’all are doing it right.  But Georgia?  Honestly?  It’s cold as shit and windy, not a single snowflake, and it just ruins my day.  That’s why I support Global Warming.  If Global Warming means 65-degree winters, I’m going to buy a couple Hummers and let that shit idle in the driveway for the next 10 years.  Send that carbon emission straight to the atmosphere.  Screw the polar ice caps.  When’s the last time you visited Antarctica?  When’s the last time anybody visited Antarctica??  The only things I care about in that area are penguins, and I’ve got some of those in the Atlanta Zoo, so I’m covered.  As far as I’m concerned, I’ll take the occasional typhoon if it means I can feel my fingers in December. 

You know what I hate?  Getting old.  Well not necessarily getting old as much as getting “oldish”.  By that of course I mean, losing my childishness.  In no way am I saying that I am not childish anymore, because that would be a boldfaced lie, but I am starting to lose some of my childish powers.  For example, vanilla ice cream actually tastes good to me.  That may not mean anything to you, but personally this is a huge blow.  Gone are the times when I would eat mint chocolate chip ice cream with chocolate chips and a solid pint of chocolate syrup, washed down with a quart of chocolate milk.  Now it’s vanilla.  A single bowl of vanilla.  I’m dying inside.

Fact of the Day:  The US spent $277,000 on pickle research in 1993.

Shout out to Andrew Medearis.

Friends are like trees, they both fall down if you hit them repeatedly with an axe.

I find that to be true for most things.  Also, both stand around uselessly most of the time and taste terrible.  Weirded out yet?

Okay loyal readers.  I realize I've let you down recently, and of course by “recently” I mean the past 37 days. But you know what helps?  Whining about it.  Actually that's a lie.  What helps is a new Daily Tablet that is long enough to make you hate reading more than you already do.  And guess what the best part is?  I happen to have one of those RIGHT HERE!!  HUZZAH!!  As a heads up, I'm forcing every little thing that I've meant to write about for the past month and a half into this blog, which incorporates thing from the summer and beginning of the school year, so don't be confused when I reference things that are SO two months ago.  Get over yourself.  You sound like a 13 year old girl.*

*No offense if you actually are a 13 year old girl.

In one of my chemistry classes, I have a professor who is......well let's just say unique.  Or eccentric.  Honestly he's just insane.  He is the perfect personification of THE mad scientist.  A while back, he walked into our lab, brought everybody to a halt, yelled at us to be quiet, and turned on a video.  Now I don't want to say that this was the weirdest video I've ever seen, but I'm not prepared to say that it wasn't.  Being the completely unbiased and fair person that I am, I watched intently as the video began.  I lasted roughly 11 seconds before bursting into laughter.  I don't want to describe the video in too much detail, mostly because I would probably be sent to an insane asylum, but here the gist of it:  Imagine a video that starts as a set of random video clips of the universe.  Now take that video and add some weird lighting and colors.  Now think of the weirdest spoken word you can muster, incorporating the words "Science is poetry" as many times as possible, and use that as the soundtrack for the video.  And finally, take that acid-induced, trippy color-mashing, somewhat-chemistry-based "song", and autotune it.  It was magnificent.

Also, while we're on the topic of chemistry, guess what I found out the second week of class?  My chemistry teacher is dyslexic.  No, I'm not joking.  I mean it’s a good thing the overwhelming majority of chemistry isn't already a jumble of letters right?  RIGHT? Cause that would just mean this semester would be a living hell.  Please send help.  (Preferably in the form of a permanent substitute.)

More about chemistry.  I know you love it.  I would like to take this time to express how disappointed I am in my chemistry lab.  I was clearly misinformed on what a chemistry lab would entail.  I was under the mistaken impression that we would be dealing with very brightly colored chemicals, such as those found on Bill Nye the Science Guy, and would be mixing those chemicals, creating explosions and PRESTO!!  A pink Starburst!!  (It's a juicy contradiction.)

Let's keep on with this class stuff.  One of my teachers is the way-too-involved kind, trying to change our lives with knowledge and all that nonsense.  The kind that actually said, "There's no such thing as a stupid question."  That is the single most incorrect thing I've ever heard.  No such thing as a stupid question?!?  Seriously??  Wait, the Earth isn't flat?  Who is Barack Obama?  Tab, would you like some bacon?

In one of my classes we are required to spend a few hours every week in the computer lab.  It is a large classroom with 60-70 computers, so if you go early in the week you don't have to worry about being surrounded by strangers.  Usually that’s how it works.  This day was different.  I went in, sat down at a completely empty table, and began diligently doing my homework.  After about half an hour, this guy walks into the lab and stops at the door, surveying the room.  At first glance, I knew this guy was weird.  Not like the casual weird though (whatever that means).  This was the kind of guy that irons his jeans and asks you what your least favorite kind of pavement is.  And wouldn't you know it, this guy decides to sit right next to me.  Whatever, I'm out of here in an hour or so, I just won't make eye contact or anything.  After a little while I notice that this guy is grunting every now and then.  It's kind of distracting, but I can get by.  Then it becomes more frequent, so I bravely venture a glance over.  It becomes clear that these are grunts of frustration.  And they're getting louder.  I'm beginning to get uncomfortable as this guy is getting more and more agitated at his online homework.  He gets to the point where he’s clicking the mouse eight times as hard as he can, then flinging it at the monitor.  Now I'm getting worried.  Then out of nowhere, he yells, stands up, and frisbees his laptop across the room, decapitating two people.  Okay that might be a slight exaggeration, but his did throw his mouse and made a noise that resembled a confused but angry bark.  It was very weird.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've had another discovery.  Cloudy weather makes people angry.  "Well no shit, Sherlock,” you might say.  Well first off, my name is not Sherlock.  It's Tab.  It's right over there on the right side of the page.  Secondly, I don't appreciate your language.  This is a public website and there's no need for your sailor's mouth around here.  Jerk.  Anyway, back to what I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, cloudy weather makes people angry.  Normally you'd assume rain makes people sad or gloomy, and sunshine makes people happy, but those are only because of the outdoor activities associated with their respective weather.  When it's sunny, people are outside in plain view doing fun things.  When it's rainy people are usually indoors, but who's to say their not having the best day of their week, month, or in some more pitiful cases, year?  Even if they're inside and looking out the window, they could have a smile on their face thinking, "The day has finally come.  The world's largest slip-n-slide will be built.  Today will go down as the slip-n-slidiest day in American history."  Don’t act like you know what going on inside their little head.  You ain't no Professor X.  You know what?  You're really getting on my nerves in this paragraph, and that, combined with the fact that I completely forgot where I was going with this, adds up to me just ending this paragraph here.

I wonder if big cats go apeshit fucking psycho like housecats do.  Can you imagine how absolutely TERRIFYING that would be??  Think about it.  A full-grown tiger is just chilling in a tree (because that's what they do) in that lackadaisical pose on a tree branch with one arm slightly hanging off.  You know exactly what I'm talking about.  Then, out of nowhere it just takes off, chasing after absolutely nothing at a full sprint.  It's not even attacking the animals around it, but it damn sure is scaring the ever-living shit out of them.  Ground.  Tree.  Back to ground.  Over a gazelle.  Straight up in the air with no apparent goal at all.  Completely terrifying.  I get scared shitless when my fur-ball of a cat at my parents house has it's five minutes of insanity, turning all furniture and people into it's own personal 100 mile an hour obstacle course.  I can't even imagine a 700 lb jungle cat bolting around like it just did 32 lines of cocaine.  Terrifying.

Revelation of the Day:  Mint gum plus cold water is like drinking Mt Everest.

Shout out to Tyler Knudsen.