Hey everybody. Did you miss
me? Of course you did. I got the fan/hate mail. Anyway, it's
been a solid four months since my last blog and I apologize, as I'm sure you've
been checking daily for an update. Unfortunately I have responsibilities,
like.... stuff. My excuse for the last week is that I was sick. No
not hungover, actually sick, and not just a cold or some pansy shit like food
poisoning. See, this is unique for me, as I decided a few years ago that
I was done getting sick because it was a waste of time and money. Also I
didn't have health insurance. This worked fantastically for a while for
some reason and everyone was happy. Alas, all good things must
come to an end, right? I quickly realized that luck, and more
importantly, bad luck stores up like rollover minutes from Cingular. I
wasn't escaping sickness, I was stockpiling it so at some point it could go effing
Godzilla on my ass. I realized that I had used up so much good luck that
at this point I was liable to die from someone else's game of Russian
Roulette. Everything's just peachy on Thursday, then Friday morning I
wake up and my throat is kinda scratchy. Long night, so that’s pretty
normal, right? Wrong, idiot. And this is not a sore throat from
talking too much, because anyone that knows me knows that I've have not stopped
talking since I turned 2. My first word was a goddamned paragraph and I
never slowed down. No no, this was something much worse. Have you
ever had Strep Throat? Chances are you have, or at least know someone
that has. It's terrible. It feels like there's a rock in your
throat and you try your hardest not to swallow anything, not even spit.
Have you ever had Tonsillitis? 50/50 chance there. It not
exactly a breeze either. Now, have you ever even heard of a
peritonsillar abscess? I'm just going to go ahead and assume no, because
most people haven't read “Satan's Personal Recipe Book Of Horrors.” I
won't describe exactly what it is because it’s just terrible and if there’s
even the slightest chance that you still find me attractive after all these
blogs, I'd like to hold on to that. Well any of these three can easily
send you to the hospital on their own if not immediately attended to in the
right way, and some will send you there anyway because screw you. Well
guess what? I didn't have one of these, I had all damn three.
I had the mother effing Avengers of throat maladies coming at me like I
stole their firstborn, and I didn't even have enough warning to send a card to
my mom to apologize for how many times I say f*ck on this blog. Luckily,
I'm invincible (not invulnerable, there's a difference), and I'm on the mend
after only four days, a couple thousand Advil, antibiotics, a few knives in my
throat, one egg, and a bowl of soup. On the up side, I lost a grand total
of 12 pounds in the first three days and I'm ready for the BEACH.
Wow, that was a lengthy rant.
I haven't been able to talk for a few days so it's been building up.
Moving on, let’s hate on kids for a minute to lighten things up. I
saw a kid the other day in the park with his mom and another mother-son combo.
They looked like they we were having a grand ol’ time bonding in the sun,
at least at first. At the beginning I wasn't watching them very intently because
I'm not a creepy little pervert like I assume most of you are, but that changed
quickly when an altercation sparked up. It was just the kid whining, then
the mom knelt down to "scold him," meaning she clenched his arm with
the strength of the Hulk and whispered in his ear that if he didn't lock it
down she would ruin him the exact second they got back home. I assume that's
what was said at least, and that's usually where the tantrum ends.
Usually. Not here. When she let go and started to stand up,
Bratty McDouchekid rears back, Iron Man toy in hand, and brings a right hook
into mommy's face that would make Mike Tyson spit out Evander Holyfield's ear
and just go home. Now he was just a kid, and I've always said that
childhood is a lot like being drunk, because everyone remembers what you did
except you, but this is not the kind of thing you laugh about later. This
is the kind of thing that needs to be fixed or this kid grows up to be a
terrorist. Not an actual terrorist, but a social terrorist. The
kind of 20 year old that needs to be hit in the face with an active jackhammer.
I know plenty of people my age that fit that demographic, and I wish that
when they were young and this sort of situation occurred someone would have
grabbed them by their stupid little idiot head and dragged them to the car,
driven home, put their Xbox in the woodchipper and grounded them til they
turned 40.
I’m going to be a phenomenal
father one day.
Fact of the Day: Omar bin Laden (Osama's son) was denied citizenship in Britain in
2007 because Omar “failed to provide his father's permanent address".
Shout out to Evan Wolfson.
