Hello Tablets, did you miss me?
I did. In case you didn't notice, I forgot I had this blog again.
Turns out when you move across the country and have zero plans of how
you're getting there, where you're living, or how you're paying for any of
that, you get a little distracted.
Anyway, now I'm in Phoenix, where
apparently winter is lazy as shit and only lasts two months. I mean I
know I shouldn't be one to judge for laziness, but you think it'd stay cold
past, you know, New Years? If a year ago you told me I'd be sweating just
from going outside in the middle of January I'd probably have slapped you and
told you about my irrational fear of going to Africa while trying not to sound
racist. I'm sure everyone here is exceptionally tired of me bitching about
the dry heat, and I guess I deserve it. Especially because my inability
to logically weigh benefits vs consequences led me to move here to avoid
humidity, which is about as rational as joining the army to meet Muslim chicks.
Gotta think of everything else that comes with it. I probably could've chosen somewhere
just as dry, just slightly less mind-blowingly hot.
Speaking of phones, I finally got
the iPhone 5. Just kidding, I still have a shitty little Nokia brick.
Just kidding, I'm not going to let you know what kind of phone I have.
It's part of the mystery. Anyway, a couple months ago my roommate
at the time did actually get the iPhone 5, and needless to say we all reacted
like an eight year old opening a Nintendo 64.
Unfortunately, I didn't realize how demeaning this little handheld computer
would end up being. It probably doesn't surprise you that I judge my own
self-worth on a series of incredibly trivial situations, such as how long I can
balance a golf club vertically on my palm, the amount of medium-heat wings I
can eat in one sitting, or in this instance whether or not I can calculate a
word's score faster than the computer on Words With Friends. Up until
this point I was unerringly victorious, and thus was confident in all areas of
my life. Then the 5 came. I can only assume that Steve Jobs heard
of my competition with his beloved iPhone, and worked around the clock until
his stupid little device was faster than me. Well, you win, Jobs. I
will go on forever surrounded by a cloud of insecurity, doubting my very
existing. Way to be a jerk.
Over the past few years I've
realized that Facebook has officially ruined birthdays. When people used
to say "Happy Birthday!" you felt good about yourself, like
"Wow, that person really cares about me." Now when somebody says
that, my first thought is either "They probably just saw it on Facebook
this morning…" or "Who the shit is Kevin Phalange?!* And it
doesn't end there. How about when it's someone else's birthday? It's
just weird now. You see the notification and have to go through a stressful
series of questions: Do I know
this person? I know them, but do I know them well enough to say happy
birthday? Did they write on my
wall when it was my birthday last year? I definitely am friends with
them, but do I just write on their wall, or am I close enough that I should
text them? Is it weird to do both? Do I call them??
No wait, fuck calling anyone. I'll just text. What if they
don't have my number? Then I just seem creepy... oh god I don’t know what to do! I'm just going to delete my Facebook for a few months and
drop off the grid, then I can just skip the whole process. I think I know
a guy in Memphis that makes new identities… SHIT I FORGOT HIS BIRTHDAY LAST
WEEK.
*Seriously, if anybody knows this
guy, please let me know. I have no clue who he is, and it's starting to
freak me out.
Does anybody else think it's
weird when food at the grocery store says it's "70% Organic"? I
mean if you have peanut allergies and something says it's 70% nut-free, you
still can't eat it because 30% of it has nuts in it. Being seventy
percent nut free has absolutely no benefit. So when something is 70% free
of pesticides, it still has effing pesticides in it. It's not organic;
it's all a facade. Sneaky little bastards.
Speaking of sneaky little
bastards, I've composed a list of a few reasons of why I have trust issues:
- Banana bruises that don't show
through the peel.
- "Skittles" that are
actually Runts.
- Boxes of chocolate that all
look the exact same. Fucking coconut...
- Ketchup containers that look
full because they're painted red, but are empty, like the hearts of their
creators.
-Turkey bacon.
Fact of the Day: Today
(Feb17th) is the birthday of Michael Jordan, Michael Bay, and Larry the Cable
Guy. Happy Birthday to the first two.
Shout
out to Joy Prewitt.
