If you believe everything you read, don't read.

The obvious exception being this blog of course.  Always read The Daily Tablet.  And believe everything it says.  Also mail me money.

Has anybody ever thought about how long stoplights last?  Have you ever seen one out or even being changed?  Do these things last forever?  Can I have one for my room?  Enough of this Energy-Saver bullshit, I want an infinity light that can double as a children's game or instructions on whether or not to enter my room.

Another question:  Have you ever been in the car with someone and started to get nervous about their intentions?  Not sexually, I mean more like…murderous.  For instance, a little while back I was getting a ride with someone and they took a detour saying "I just wanna check something out."  Terrifying?  Not exactly, but in my completely logical mind I immediately think to myself, "Holy shit this man is going to slaughter me.  You want to “check something out"???  Yea right, I see right through your scheme you sick twisted murderer!  You're taking me out to a field where you can hide the evidence.... I’ve got to escape!!"  Of course right as I've stealthily unbuckled my seatbelt, unlocked the door and am moving to fling myself out of the car we turn back onto our original course and I realize that I may have been a little jumpy.  The issue is that this happens every single time.  Not to mention that the driver in that specific story was my stepfather.  I'm unstable.

Speaking of family, about a month ago I went home to visit the Birthgiver and her husband.  I hadn't been home in quite a while, and it was a serious culture shock.  I forgot was it was like to have a fully stocked pantry and fridge, and that wasn't even including Ramen!  It was wondrous.  I didn't realize it until I was in the kitchen, and my mom was making me lunch and asked what I wanted.  I immediately panicked.  What do I want?  There are choices??  What do you mean what kind of cheese?  You're allowed to have more than one kind of cheese in the refrigerator?!  Holy crap you have stuff in your freezer besides frozen pizzas and ice!!  What is this magical place?!?”  Sadly I'm back in my own house now and have reverted back to Pizza Rolls, turkey sandwiches, and a cheeseburger every now and then when I'm really feeling adventurous.

I've come up with another list, for those of you that are actually read these.  This is my list about things I assume hell is like.   In my opinion hell is:

-Not being able to sneeze when you REALLY need to.

-Having to go to the bathroom when you don't have any shoes.

-Needing to scratch your eye/nose/etc when playing a video game or something else totally consuming.

-The Jersey Shore

-Knowing you have something in your teeth but not being able to get it out.

-Always being about a dollar short when buying anything.

-Anything related to the Kardashians.

There are tons more but I'm bored of this topic.

So I know we've covered this a lot, as has everybody else in the country, but I'm seriously getting sick of Chickfila's policies.  Not the gay/anti-gay stuff cause honestly, it's chicken, who gives a shit?  I don't even want to know what the owners of McDonald's opinions are, I’m assuming they're against human life or happiness or something.  I'm talking about the being closed on Sundays.  I realize that's part of their Christian image, but let's be real, Chickfila being closed on Sundays isn't going to make me a better person.  If anything, it's going to make me sit around and sulk all day like a troll with rage issues all because I can't get two chicken egg and cheese biscuits, hash browns, biscuits and gravy, OJ, and a large Ice Dream.  It's torture.

Fear of the Day:  Papaphobia: A pathological fear of Popes.

Shout out to Emily Rycenga.

In life there are terrible temptations, which require immense strength and courage to yield to.

Fortunately I am strong and courageous enough to yield to nearly all temptations I come in contact with.

I was talking with a friend about luck and chance the other day, and the topic of being struck by lightening came up.  As one or two of you know, I have a cousin that was struck by lightening a couple years back.  I started thinking about it, and I decided that I would absolutely be willing to get struck by lightening as long as I got some kind of superpower from it.  Actually, shit, I'd probably be down if I got a free t-shirt out of it.  Think about it.  "...then he came out of nowhere and stomped on my foot and broke it."  "Yea?  Well I took a 35,000-degree, 500 million volt blast of electricity and fire straight to my face.  But seriously, is your foot okay?"

I've noticed something funny about people and relationships over the past couple months, and I've determined that the relationship between a man and a woman doesn't even come close to the intensity of a person and their phone or favorite television show.  I've picked up on this because, over the past year, several shows have been benched or cancelled.  For example, when a guy and his girlfriend break up, he gets sad, drinks with his friends, and slowly gets over it.  However, when their favorite TV show is cancelled or they lose their phone, all different kinds of hell break loose.  They spend weeks upon weeks sending hate mail to the producers or writing angry and pathetic Facebook posts, their friends pity them, and next thing you know they're taking longs drives, openly weeping and eating gallons of Ben & Jerry's ice cream while screaming Adele.  Of course absolutely none of this is from experience........ probably.

While we're talking about couples, I've got another little nugget of knowledge I've picked up on over my wonderful time working in restaurants.  Well it's more of a list, actually, but who are you to judge my terminology?  I don't see you contributing to this blog at all.  Consider yourself in time-out for the next twenty minutes.  Anyway, here are several fairly consistent couples that come into the restaurants I've worked in:

1) Beauty and the Beast:  In this is the couple the girl is absolutely gorgeous.  Not hot, but beautiful.  She looks innocent, healthy, and just all around pretty.  On the other hand, the guy looks like some steroided-out version of a Donald Trump right after he came out of a horrible body-mangling gas explosion.  I've never quite understood this pair, but they seem to be everywhere.

2) The Brother and Sister:  Get your minds out of the gutter, these two aren't actually brother and sister.  This is the pair that have been dating so long that they are actually starting to look like each other.  It's really kind of eerie.  However as far as temperament goes, these people are great.

3) The Male-Dominated Couple:  This is the couple that will be in the restaurant for an hour and a half, and the girl will say less than eleven words.  The guy has taken it upon himself to be the alpha male, which in his mind makes him responsible for all outward communication.  He's very proud because he is ordering for the woman, and knows exactly what she wants.  Unfortunately he is usually very wrong, but the girl just goes along with it.

4) The Female-Dominated Couple:  This is a complicated one, because the girl has control over everything, but acts like she wants the guy to be in charge.  For example, when asked what the couple wants to eat, the girl will widen her eyes at the guy, signaling him to order or ask a question about the food.  When he does, the waiter responds, at which point the girl completely takes over the conversation with more questions and very specific demands.  Usually this is the point in time where the guy starts attempting to signal for help to the waiter or surrounding tables.

5) The Movie Couple:  This is my least favorite of all.  This is the couple that truly believes they are in a movie.  And not just any movie.  They think they are in the happiest movie that has ever graced the human race.  They immediately consider themselves best friends with every one of the staff, even though this is the first time they've ever freaking seen them.  They are loud as HELL, with obnoxiously flamboyant laughter at shit that's not even remotely funny.  It's infuriating.  You have completely average lives, settle the fuck down.  You literally make me hate happiness.

6) The God-Help-Humanity Couple:  This “couple” is more of a category, and a category that though it varies greatly throughout, is generally terrifying overall.  To sum it up, the last pair like this that came through looked like a Circus Ringmaster and a crack whore.  I'm talking one in a full on whack-job suit and the other in an oversized dirty and saggy sweatshirt with suitcases under her eyes.  The kind of group you try to avoid like the black plague with a bad personality.

Speaking of evil people, which we weren't, I now have a vendetta against one of my friends, who we'll call the Dreamcrusher.  Now I don't know if this particular "friend" thought they were being nice, or if it would be just hilarious, but they decided it was necessary to wake me up by lighting a bacon scented candle near my bed.  Well Dreamcrusher, you are an asshole.  I don't know if you've ever known what it feels like to wake up in the most incredible mood, feeling like the world is in your hand and knowing happiness like never before, and then had it all ripped away from your in a chorus of the devil's laughter, but I have felt it.  It’s life ruining, and it's your fault.  Here's a tip for the future:  If you ever wake me up like that again, you better have some goddamn bacon, or I will burn everything you've ever loved, and most of the things you've liked.  Watch your back.

Fact of the Day:  On average, there are 178 sesame seeds on each McDonald's Big Mac bun.

Shout out to Emily Caulfield.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I think it could suck a little less and we'd still all be fine, but I'm no scientist.

Seeing as my summer just officially began, I've decided to devote this blog to summer.  You're welcome, Summer.  Don't let it go to your head.

To start, I've made a small list to help guide you through the summer.  I call it: "Tips for the Summer".  Yes, I know it's astoundingly creative, but the title isn't important, the tips are.  Let's begin:

1) Rope swings are dangerous and usually illegal.

2) Alcohol and water sports do not mix.

3) Always bring shoes and a shirt.

4) Sunscreen is never a bad idea.

5) Cliff diving in unknown territory is always a bad idea.

Okay actually I'm just gonna stop there.  To be honest, I follow literally none of those rules.  That is the Pansy-Bitch List.  Here are the rules I live by in the summer:

1) Rope swings are awesome.

2) Drink light beer.  Unless of course you want to look like a slightly more red version of the Michelin man by the end of summer.  Drinking in the sun burns skin, not calories.  Nobody's gonna rag on you for not drinking a Guinness when it's 112 degrees.

3) Standby flights will increase your number of trips significantly.

4) Standby flights will increase your number of hours spent in an airport by an unimaginable number.

5) Skin cancer is for nancies.

6) There is an incredible difference between shell beaches and sand beaches.  Always go with the latter if possible.

7) If there's a camera, it's worth it.  Always.  No questions asked.

Overt the past couple weeks, I've been fortunate enough to be able to vacation to a friend's lake house up in North Carolina.  I went with the owner and a group of coworkers, and to be honest, when we are together we manage to transform into the most immature, irrational, unsafe group of people this side of the Prime Meridian.  Anyway, I've also composed a list of tips and notes that I've learned from these two trips, and here it is:

1) Take nothing valuable if you ever want to see it again.

2) No matter how mature you think your friends are, you are wrong. 

3) Men can giggle, loudly and frequently, and it is exactly as disturbing as it sounds.

4) Floating docks, while fun, are a recipe for disaster.

5) Never assume that anybody is on the same page when it comes to immediate plans.

6) Any liquid at all, if opened, is assumed to be at least partially alcoholic.

7) Whatever groceries you bought, go back and buy double.

8) Sunburns are a bonding experience.

9) The possibility of lightening should never stop you from being out on a wet wooden dock during a rainstorm.  At the very worst, you'll get a good story out of it.

10) Go ahead and accept that whatever regularity your sleep schedule had previously is completely out the window.

11) There is no dancing on the tables and chandeliers.  They're selling the house next week.

12) Two fully-grown guys fitting on a single kayak meant for a child is absolutely doable.  That does not in any way mean it is a graceful or even remotely efficient means of travel.

13) If you can't do a flip, just flail.

14) Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you EVER stand up on a canoe and assume that your friends are decent enough not to immediately push you over.

Okay that's enough of the lists.

You what I don't understand, besides vegetarianism and people who voluntary purchase satellite television?  People who wear pants in the summer.  It's been over 100 degrees in Atlanta for the past two weeks, and there are still a plethora of idiots wearing pants everyday.  I just don't get it.  Are you impervious to temperature?  Are you hiding something?  WHAT ARE YOU HIDING??  Do you have a human tail?  As far as I'm concerned, if you have anything short of a tattoo of Barbie riding a bright orange beluga whale, you shouldn't be wearing leg sleeves after April.  Get it together.

Fact of the Day:  Bubble wrap was originally invented to be used as wallpaper.

Shout out to Dylan Vanderhoff.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Everybody likes vague.

You know what else everybody likes?  The excitement when turning on your phone after a long time of having it off and waiting for it to ring like a spastic, tourette-stricken mobile device for eight minutes while you're showered with text messages, missed calls, voicemails, tweets, and emails.  At least that's how it is for me.  There is a contrary side though, which happened to me a month or so ago, and that's when you turn it on after a while and nothing happens.  Nothing at all.   NOT A SINGLE DAMN NOTIFICATION.  It is the most demeaning let down ever.  I thought I had friends, but apparently when I disappear and they can't get a hold of me they just give up and assume I’m dead.  Some friends they are.  You know what y'all are getting for Christmas?  Anthrax.  And a dead raccoon, because apparently that's what I'm worth to you.  Jerks.

So a little over a year ago I wrote a blog about carpooling.  Holy Balls I've been doing this for a YEAR.  Anyway, I not-so-briefly presented an example dialogue between the driver and passenger of some new carpoolers.  Here's the link if you haven't read it, or need to refresh your memory.  Yea, so I covered most of the panic and general terror that comes with carpooling with strangers, but I just recently was thrown into the same situation again.  This time was a little different, as it wasn't a stranger, but it was a new friend, new enough to where you're still a little nervous about what they think of you.  And it wouldn't have been that big of a deal if they weren't obsessed with music, and if I didn't listen to the crappiest music on this planet (except Nicki Minaj, I at least have the wherewithal to hate her).  So basically my friend hops in my car, and it hits me, "Holy shit, this is my car, I'm supposed to supply the music."  Instant panic.  It ended up being okay because I realized that I had recently made some playlists to avoid this exact situation, but to fully grasp my alarm you have to realize that the music on my phone has ability to make me seem like a completely normal guy with pretty good taste in music, but at the same time it can make me look like a cross dressing twelve year old.  (Let your imagination take you wherever on that one, I don't have a clue what a cross-dressing twelve year old would listen to.)  Moving on.

I recently tweeted about how I judge guys on how they react when they walk through an unexpected spider web.  It is a wonderful tool of judgment because it really reveals their true manliness, such as my rugby-playing friend who would probably start openly weeping and having seizures because he's deathly afraid that Daddy Longlegs are going to learn to fly and take over the world.  Anyway, since then I've added to that statement a few more practical, even deep, ways.  I believe that the three things you can judge a person's character on are how they handle lost luggage, a rainy day, and tangled Christmas lights.  If you think about it, it really makes sense.  That being said, I personally handle all of those things terribly.  Lost luggage is cause enough for me to burn down an airport.  Rainy days, if too cold for a slip-n-slide, result in me sitting inside watching TV and complaining for the entirety of the rainstorm and probably several hours after that.  And tangled Christmas lights?  Fuck it, throw em away.  They're like $1.15 at Walgreens for 100, stop being cheap and make your life infinitely easier.  Chances are once you finally get them untangled you'll have broken at least one of them in an irreparable way and you'll have to buy new ones anyway.  (Side Note:  I once mentioned arson as a solution when American Airlines lost my luggage, and that went over about as well as a condom in a collection plate.  I wouldn't recommend it.)

The other day I saw one of the most surprisingly cool things I've seen in a while.  Whilst walking out of my summer class, a guy in downtown Atlanta went flying by riding a wheelie on a moped.  Besides being about as useful as being able to juggle scarves, it was cool just because I didn’t expect it at all.  Then again, he was on a moped, so that's working against him, but hey, props for being unique.  It also got me thinking about mopeds, and I realized that mopeds are one of those things that are never hugely popular, but they're always hanging around, kind of like Brisk Iced Tea or Matthew McConaughey.  

Fact of the Day:  The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Shout out to Norris Clay.

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Nerd humor, it never gets old.  I’m sorry for those of you who are terrified of anything related to math.

Speaking of terrying things, a while back I went to the grocery store after recently hanging out with a nurse friend, I'll call her Mrs Green.  Of course, being a nurse she is a very healthy person, and therefore my worst enemy.  Don't get me wrong, she's a perfectly decent person, wonderful company, and even occasionally funny, but she "eats right" and as a result is as evil as it gets.  It's not that I'm angry with healthy people for not eating junk food (though personally I just do not understand it), it's that whenever I spend time around only healthy people, they tend to rub off on me.  I know what you're thinking, "Tab Hirschey!  HOW COULD YOU PARTICIPATE IN SUCH HERESY?!?!?"  I am weak-willed, and personally do not care much for being judged by someone I hardly know, so you can go swallow a grenade.  I'll let you know when I need your opinion.  Anyway, after spending several days around Mrs Green, I noticed she was drinking the same green-colored smoothie-ish thing every morning.  I didn't try it, but was curious as to its origin and ingredients, so I inquired.  She told me it was just a healthy mix of [good for you] and that was the end of that conversation.  Once I returned to my side of the country, I texted her and got the recipe, figuring, in my corrupted state of mind, that I would like to give this so called "smoothie" a try.  So I went to the grocery store, got the list of required items and set about making it.  The first ingredient was Kale, which should have been a building-sized red flag saying, "DON'T DO THIS.  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"   However, I ignored that flag, Googled what Kale was, purchased it, and continued making the smoothie.  Now let's pause here for a second.  At this particular point in my life I like to think that I am beginning to break into the adult world.  I am not in any way saying I'm there, but I'm at least peering over the gates.  That being said, I am beginning to accumulate some pretty decent kitchenware.  My blender, in particular, was no shabby piece of equipment.  But when I started making this horrible, life-ruining drink, everything went to hell in a hand basket.  I turned on the blender, following the instructions perfectly, left it on low, and went into my room for no more than a minute as it blended.  When I got back into my kitchen, it smelled like an entire factory of computers was on fire and sounded like some mixture of Gollum and Optimus Prime was screaming bloody murder.  I dove towards what was left of my blender and frantically yanked out the power in chord in what I can only assume was seconds before the entire apartment building imploded.  Somehow the drink was blended enough to look somewhat edible, so after cleaning out the shards of metal and hatred, I gave it a try.   To be completely honest it wasn't that bad, once you got past the consistency of damp sawdust and flavor of grass with a hint of lemon.  That first batch lasted a couple mornings, and by the next week I had forgotten about the horrid experience that occurred when I attempted to make what we had by then named "Hulk Drink", which was extremely appropriate considering the damage done to Blender #1.   Anyway so we went to the store, got the ingredients along with a blender that was adamant that it could handle blending everything short of uranium.  Guess what?  It lied.  Two batches of Hulk Drink, two blenders down.  Not a bad ratio if you're into blender destruction.  A terrible ratio if you're a college student that's now down a good bit of money just because you were attempting to be slightly considerate of your body.  Long story short, the moral of this story is there is no point at all in trying to be good to yourself, because something large, green, and probably smelling like grass will come along and completely ruin you.

WARNING: Parts of this next paragraph could be considered insensitive, offensive, and all around mean.  If you wish not to participate, please feel free to go whimper in the corner like a little bitch, then skip to the next paragraph.

If you're like me, and God I hope you aren't, then you think about crazy shit.  And that's not a broad category.  I'm talking about like actually going crazy.  I've spent many an hour thinking about how if I went crazy, what type of crazy would I go?  Me and my roommate had a brief chat about this one time and based on that I’ve come up with a couple different kinds of crazy:

- The first is what I call “Meth Crazy”.  People that have gone Meth Crazy are there by...I don't know...say, doing too much meth?  These people usually don't know what time, day, month, year, or even season it is, and probably not even what planet they're on.  They usually have messed up faces that look like they're trying to eat their own nose, and they're often talking to themselves.  Really unsettling if you’re not into that sort of thing.  (Side Note:  If you’re into that sort of thing, you’re probably Meth Crazy.)

- There are also “The Kinks”.  No, not the band.  People that are Kink Crazy are the mildest of the group, and usually can pass as sane, or at least eccentric.  They are mild-tempered, never really completely out of it, and can see, hear, and respond to normal stuff, but they interpret the world completely in their own way.  Just gengerally quirky.  Also, they usually are panicking about an inevitable attack of the aliens, or ranting about being abducted, but that;s as bad as it gets.  Needless to say, these are the pansies of the crazy world.

- Then there are “The Batties”.  Batty Crazy, short for Bat-Shit Crazy, is what I would hope to be if I had to sign out of the rational world.  When you meet one of these people, it is as terrifyingly uncomfortable as it can possibly get.  On the up side, chances are they won't really notice you because they are horribly busy screaming at an imaginary person across the street about how they need to borrow a nickel to end the Holocaust.  The imaginations on these people are legendary.

- Of course there's also the category of crazy that includes people like Lindsay Lohan, Tracy Jordan, and any character John C Reilly has every played, but I figure it's best just let those slide.

Sadly I haven't gone completely lunatic-status yet, and it's kind of a let down.

Speaking of let downs, most of my friends have been serious disappointments lately.  I will admit that my perception of being a Debby Down-Syndrome is slightly ridiculous, because for me if you're not willing to drop what you're doing at 3am Eastern Time and fly to Russia to drink vodka and build a life-size Vladimir Putin snowman then you might as well not be my friend.  That being said, many of my friends have been slacking on even the simplest of tasks, such as cross-country visits and skydiving.  I'm looking at you specifically, Wondertwins.

Fact of the Day:  Gustav Eiffel, designer of the Eiffel Tower, had both dyslexia and a paralyzing fear of heights.

Shout out to Jenny DuFour.

People want you for your looks. Zombies want you for you brains.

Zombies are people too.  Scarred, mutilated, slightly bloodthirsty people that haven't showered in a while.

Speaking of blood, I'm taking a three-week summer class, Calculus II to be specific.  Needless to say, I have been in a perpetual state of misery for the past couple weeks, and have another week and a half left.  All joking aside, 2 hours of calculus at 8am and then again at 2pm everyday during your summer is roughly as fun as playing hide-and-go-seek in a mostly abandoned insane asylum.  My professor, some French guy, chose an opening lecture that only made things worse.  The very first words he said to us were "If I'm going to be honest, it is a complete mistake for any of you to be here.  If you make it through, you are going to hate me and all calculus by the end."  Okay first off, unless the class involves bacon and/or waterslides, I'm going to hate it regardless.  Secondly, you're French, of course I'm going to hate you.  Basically what I've discovered is that no matter what, a summer class, like Chinese food at the mall, is always a mistake.  Anyway, of course there are several of the stereotypical nerds in the class, but there's one in particular that is almost too much.  The kid is always wearing a tucked in collard shirt, several of which have had shoulder pads, with elastic banded pants, very thick glasses, and K Swiss.  I'm not making fun of him, I'm just laughing at him.  Yes, there’s a difference, but I’m not going to tell you what it is.  Anyway, today was different.  Today, instead of the Steve Urkel-esque outfit, the kid walks in about five minutes late in full MMA gear, even holding the gloves, sweating and breathing hard with what I'm pretty sure was dried blood on his shirt.  Didn’t see that one coming.  I didn't even recognize him at first, but now it's comforting to know that if terrorists for some reason decide to take over Georgia State University's Classroom South Building, I have a mixture of a Rocket scientist and Jason Bourne sitting two rows down from me.

On the subject of classes, I've come to realize that my subconscious really does hate me.  I will never sleep through a class, but my subconscious will wake me up three minutes before it starts.  Not soon enough to actually get there in time for it to matter, but early enough to make you hate yourself for being worthless.  Granted I also have to admit that my logic for the afternoon class is severely flawed.  Here's the breakdown:

2 hours til class starts:  “I have time to watch a 2.5 hour movie…”

40 minutes til:  "I should eat something before class."

20 mins til:  "I'll check Facebook real quick."

15 mins til:  "Wait what books do I need again?"

10 mins til:  "Crap, where is my book?"

5 mins til:  "WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS???"

1 minute late:  "Well they’ve probably already covered the important stuff..."

What's even worse is when I see classmates outside of class.  Not like at a bar or anything, cause I can handle that, I just mean like in the library or common area on campus.  Just to clarify, if I'm in class and we weren't friends before this class began, chances are I'm never going to speak a single word to you.  I probably won't even acknowledge that you exist.  It's not that I think I'm better than you*, I just like to keep my social life and school life very separate.  Anyway, so as I was saying, I absolutely hate seeing classmates outside of class on campus, especially when it's a small class, cause then you both know that you recognize each other and someone always makes the awkward half-move to say something.  Here's a tip:  Don't effing do that.  Just move on with your life.  Sadly it's almost inevitable, which sucks because literally the ONLY thing you have in common at this point is whatever class you're taking, and everyone knows how great and long-lasting of a topic that is.  (Just in case you didn’t pick up on the sarcasm there, I’m trying to say it’s a terrible, terrible, possibly even the worst topic ever conversed.)  So this happens to me outside of the library last week, where he asks me if I'm ready for the test and if I know how to do a certain part of calculus.  Of course I do, but I don't say that, because this situation, for me at least, is exactly like when someone asks you what your favorite movie is and you instantly forget every single movie you've ever fucking seen.  So that's where the conversation dies, at which point I usually turn and run.  When it comes to awkward first conversations that I really don't want to be a part of, I'm about as reliable as a homemade elevator.

*I am definitely better than you.

So I know all of you have been affected at least a tiny bit by this "You Only Live Once (YOLO)" madness.  I think it's 97% annoying as hell.  There are exceptions, as always, but in this case they are few and far between.  Basically I am only okay with this YOLO nonsense when it's used in a snide, ironic, or sarcastic manner such as in this picture.  Basically if you're not base-jumping off the Burj Khalifa wearing nothing but a 4-year-old picnic blanket and a banana hammock, you should never ever utter that phrase.  Even then you still just sound like a douche.  By the way, the Burj Khalifa is a building in Dubai, not a rapper.  Stop being an idiot.  Anyway, of course as soon as I heard the phrase, I immediately began thinking of contradictions to the statement.  Here's what I came up with:

YOLO- Unless you are Jesus Christ, Harry Potter, a zombie, a cat, or believe in reincarnation.

Let me know if you come up with any more.  I love shooting people down.

Well I have a ton more to write about, including my personal list of Tips For Summer, but this is getting to be a long blog, and if your like me, your attention span is so short we probably lost you back at Steve Urkel.  You'll just have to wait a few days for the next one.  Try and survive until then.

Fact of the Day: A Strawberry is not technically a berry, but a Banana is.

Shout out to Liz Hobafcovich.

Success is going from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

In that regard, I am incredibly successful.  And incredibly broke.

Hello my loyal Tablets.  I have a story for you.  About an hour ago, I was unfortunate enough to have to go to one of my least favorite places in the entire world: the dentist's office, or as I like to call it: Hell.  There are SO many things wrong with dentist trips that I honestly don't even know where to begin.  First off, the only reason we go to the dentist is because we're told to.  Yea, healthy teeth and mouths are good things to have, but who's to say we couldn't go to the dentist once ever three years and be fine?  I'll tell you who says that.  Dentists.  You know exactly what I'm talking about.  You're all finished up, thanking God that you've made it out of that death trap with your life, and they hurriedly usher you to the front counter where they schedule you for another trip in six months, while the only words you have time to sheepishly mutter are "Sure, I guess an appointment Saturday the 23rd at 3:16 am works for me."  Monsters.  

But let's get back to the beginning of the adventure.  I'm 90% positive everyone does the same thing on the day of a dental appointment.  You wake up, eat, shower, and start thinking about what you have to do today, when all of a sudden SHIT!!  Today you go to the dentist!  Quick, brush your teeth for forty five minutes while cursing through the toothpaste and wishing you didn't just eating syrup-covered Starbursts for breakfast, then floss for the first time since the last trip to the dentist, and try to stop the blood from gushing from your gums as you rush out the door to this "health" appointment.  You too?  Good, I'm not the only one.  Anyway, after I made it through that little morning debacle, I drove down to the office.  Aside from the fact that it smells like a combination of an old folks home, bleach, and sadness, I managed to sign in at the front desk, sit down, and begin reading the Sports Illustrated from eleven months ago.  Anything to take my mind off the demonic sadists behind those pearly white doors.  The people around me are called one by one, and I start wondering if there's a back door they shovel the customers out of, because nobody comes back out once they go in.  Then the moment arrives.  That stark white door slowly creaks open, and a name is called, "Tav Hiskey?"  That must be me, they probably couldn't read my name because I was having a fear-induced seizure while signing in.  Close enough.  I got up with all the confidence of a middle school boy at a dance and walked through the door into the completely featureless hallway, where they directed me into a room that looks like a slightly cleaner version of the set for Saw IV.  

At that point, the hygienist starts up some casual conversation, asking how I've been since the last visit, etc.  Why does she always know so much about me?  Do they stalk me in between visits?  Anyway, it'd actually be pretty soothing if while she was chatting she wasn't slowly unboxing a set of tools that would make an evil butcher nervous.  S I sit down and accept my fate, and she begins her work.  There's the usual conversation where they ask questions that I have no way of answering, because currently I have both of her hands entirely in my mouth, but that doesn't stop her from continuing the talk.  That's pretty universal.  At one point she even paused to tell me that I had impressively healthy gums.  Really?  Then please stop stabbing it.  That'd be just great.  Then she pulls out the tool that "polishes" your teeth.  "What flavor would you like?  We have mint, grape, cherry...." Cut the shit, woman, I know what happens here.  I don't care what flavor you use.  You're grinding it into my teeth so hard it doesn't matter.  I'm not thinking, "Ooh cinnamon!"  I'm thinking, "Holy Tap-dancing Moses my teeth are being dissolved!"  Maybe it would help if you used something less abrasive than a belt sander.  My teeth aren’t made of weapons grade steel, they're made of enamel and whatever the hell everyone else's teeth are made from.  

And of course to add on to all of the pain and life-threatening situations, when I went in at the beginning, I was already exhausted.  Now that doesn't sound like a big deal and you might be thinking to yourself, "Nut up, dammit.  So you're tired, stop being a little girl."  First off, go swallow a knife, I hate you.  Second, I'm not whining about being tired, I'm whining about how amazingly awkward it made the entire experience on top of everything else.  How, you ask?  Let me answer that question with another question:  What do you do when you're tired but can't sleep?  You yawn.  Yawning by itself is an innocent enough action.  Your mouth opens wide, a very strange noise comes out vaguely reminiscent of a muffled foghorn, and people know you're either tired or bored.  However, I'm in a dentist's office.  My mouth is already pried open as far as it can go.  So basically it looks like during her one-sided conversation, my mouth is completely open and I am randomly moaning loudly, making a noise that sounds like I'm either trying to imitate a dying seal or signaling my nomad band of mountain men.  Needless to say it caught her off guard.  

Then, after all that, after all the blood sweat and tears, the actual dentist decides to grace you with his presence.  Except instead of actually trying to convince you that he knows what he's doing, he cruises into the room, glances in your mouth, says a couple things like "Make a note of number 30, the lateral incisor, and the fractiongiggle," and flies out of the room, never to be seen again.  Thank you for your time, sir.  I'll be back in six months for some more quality bonding time.

Long story short, I hate the dentist.

This was weird.  I don't think I've ever written an entire post about one topic.  Thoughts?  Opinions?  Recipes?  Let me know.

Fact of the Day:  The first toothbrush with bristles was manufactured in China in 1498. The bristles were from hogs, horses and badgers.

Shout out to Allison Hatasaki.